Post by Danny on Dec 12, 2022 3:55:42 GMT -6
And now UWF presents...
As the logo is seen, things go live to the inside of the arena as pyrotechnics go off from the stage and the camera pans around to get a shot of the fans from all around the world gathered for the 11th anniversary of the UWF! The camera pans over to the commentary team where Corey Graves, Mauro Ranallo, and Tom Phillips are standing by.
Mauro Ranallo: Another year, another anniversary for the UWF! We may be a few weeks early but so what, welcome to Slammiversary! I'm Mauro Ranallo alongside my broadcast partners Tom Phillips and former International Champion Corey Graves.
Corey Graves: We got some big matches tonight, none more important than seeing that lunatic Shark Boy gets what's coming to him and Edge regains the gold.
Tom Phillips: Plus we'll find out who will be next in line when Sami Zayn, Eddie Kingston and Tommaso Ciampa do battle.
Corey Graves: I think we all know Zayn wins that one. Just like we know Batista will kick Kyle O'Reilly's ass all over this ring tonight and still be crowned the Hollywood Champion.
Mauro Ranallo: Well the Hollywood Championship isn't officially sanctioned but it should still be a hell of a match. We do have other titles on the line though as Danahsuen finally takes on the Prime Time medal holder Homicide.
Corey Graves: Fuck the Cartel!
Tom Phillips: And Trevor Lee defends his Television Championship against a very game LA Knight and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Mauro Ranallo: Those are sure to be big matches but coming up first, it's a grudge match between Cody Rhodes and Leyton Buzzard.
Tony Chimel: From Atlanta, Georgia, Making their way to the ring, the American Nightmare, Cody Rhodes!
The pryo goes off as the American Nightmare come out to a huge ovation from the roaring crowd and he has a huge smile on his face.
Buzzard makes his way through the curtain, The sounds of "Blood // Water" echo throughout the arena, Buzzard has his arms out as the crowd cheer him on. Buzzard slowly makes his way to the ring.
Tony Chimel: "On his way to the ring, From Bristol England, "The Bristol-Born Bastard" Leyton Buzzard!"
Buzzard rolls into the ring as the local looks up at him with fear in his eyes, Buzzard stands on the second turnbuckle as he does his signature spyglass taunt towards the sea of the crowd, They cheer as a small portion of the older male demographic begin a "Leyton sucks" chant, but the rest of the crowd drown them out as if to counteract their defiance with raising the levels of their cheers.
Buzzard takes off his coat as he looks to the referee who calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
As soon as the bell sounds, Cody Rhodes takes the initiative to step forward towards his opponent, extending out a hand for Leyton to shake. Leyton, however, appears as though this hit the same way as a slap to the face would have.
Corey Graves: ”Look at this fool, he goes as far as to attack Leyton Buzzard in his own home, and has the gall to offer a handshake his way?”
Tom Phillips: ”Corey, you and I both know this is because of the honor that Cody Rhodes has a competitor - there’s no way that he would be willing to sit idly by and not help out a clearly suffering Leyton Buzzard.
Corey Graves: ”Yeah, and look where it has gotten him. Do you want to know what I think about these two?”
Mauro Ranallo: ”Not in particular, no-”
Corey Graves: ”That was a rhetorical question, Mauro! Truthfully, I think if Cody is so desperate to help others, maybe he needs to re-evaluate himself and try to help out his own career first before trying to insist upon this mentor image he’s created for himself and force others into seeing his viewpoint!”
As Leyton finally approaches Cody, he refuses the shake quite profusely, not through simply batting the hand away though. No, instead the Bristol-Born Bastard launches himself at Cody full-force, taking him down with an amateur-ish Lou Thesz Press, raining down a flurry of punches to the face of The American Nightmare. WIth the referee coming in to reprimand Leyton for the closed fists, the position is soon swapped, as Cody takes the top mount and responds in kind to Leyton’s assault, bludgeoning him with some true southern-born strikes to the temple. As Leyton scurries out from underneath and gets back to his feet, Cody follows suit, but leaves enough of an opening for Leyton to launch himself into a knee to the midsection, allowing the opportunity for him to slip Rhodes into a side headlock.
Using their own size to their advantage, Rhodes shoots Leyton off the ropes, and meets him back in the center for a shoulder tackle that puts him down on the mat back-first. Looking down for a moment, there is a clear appearance of hesitance on the visage of The American Nightmare, yet this hesitance only benefits the bastard of the exchange, as Leyton connects with an up kick, forcing Cody to stagger back, and giving him ample time to rise to his feet and launch into another assault.
Battering Cody into the corner, the referee rushes towards the duo to separate them, getting himself wedged between Cody and Leyton.
At a count of four, Leyton finally backs off…but doesn’t do so cleanly, another slap ringing out across the face of The American Nightmare. Being goaded forwards, Rhodes charges with a few stiff right hands to the temple, each one landing flush and forcing Leyton to backpedal, bumping and feeding his way towards the ropes, eventually, Cody shoots him off once more, but on the rebound, Leyton ducks the wild haymaker thrown, springs off the middle rope, and turns himself around into a massive Springboard Lariat that drops Cody Rhodes, before then shifting himself into the first pin attempt of the match.
One!
Two!
No!
An early kick out for Cody establishes he still has plenty in the tank, but Leyton wishes to do nothing more than wear him down, as the immediate instinct of the Bristol-Born Bastard is to lock him into his clutches, slapping on a grounded sleeper hold.
After a few moments of struggling, Cody begins to feed off the energy of the crowd, which has slowly but surely shifted into his corner given Leyton’s aggressive tendencies, allowing for The American Nightmare to truly let the adrenaline flow through his soul, and gives him the chance to explode out of the hold! A few massive shots to the midsection ensue, forcing Leyton to back off.
Being thoroughly ticked off now thanks to Leyton, Cody goes back to his southern roots, chucking a few clean snap jabs to the jaw of Leyton, stunning the UK native. A wild swing from Leyton gets ducked, and Cody nails him with an atomic drop, before then capping it off with a big dropkick to bring Leyton to the mat, before going for the cover!
One!
Two!
No!
With Leyton kicking out, Cody slaps the mat in a moment of frustration, but doesn’t let anything else shine through beyond that one slip-up, instead opting to go straight for the kill. Grabbing at the leg, he twirls around once, looking to set up a Figure-Four Leglock…but Leyton pulls him by the hair and neck into a small package!
One!
Two!
...No!
Barely, Cody kicks out, scurries to his feet…but Leyton’s just a moment faster. With a smirk on his face, Leyton winds up for what looks to be a devasting blow, and lets it fly…
However, it doesn’t land where anyone was expecting it, as the wind-up punch proves to be nothing but a diversion. The true spot that is hit is right between the legs of Cody Rhodes, a blatant low blow connecting from Leyton Buzzard!
DING DING DING
Tom Phillips: ”What the hell was that?!”
Mauro Ranallo: ”I’m with you there, Tom - Leyton Buzzard had been competing a solid match thus far, and then just…”
Corey Graves: ”And then what, Mauro? What happened is that Leyton Buzzard, he’s finally had enough!”
Standing over Cody’s downed form with a grin on his face, Leyton turns to the referee, seeming about ready to head out of here, having finished a match he had zero interest in partaking in in the first place, when suddenly…
Tony Chimel: ”Ladies and gentlemen, I have just received word from Ethan Carter III that this match is to be restarted IMMEDIATELY!”
With the fans finding themselves re-invested in this ongoing conflict, Leyton snaps his head towards the referee, demanding an explanation.
DING DING DING!
Corey Graves: ”W-What?! How is this fair?!”
Tom Phillips: ”Fair for who, Corey? Because to me, this is pretty deserved for Leyton Buzzard, trying to take the cheap way out tonight!”
Corey Graves: ”The cheap way out? Leyton Buzzard had his HOME invaded by this American Psychopath! He NEVER wanted this match in the first place, and now he is being punished for finding a loophole in the rulebook?”
As Leyton is too busy arguing with the referee, however, he fails to notice Cody getting back to his feet…and by the time he realizes it, it’s as The American Nightmare has Leyton’s head hooked…before spiking him for a Cross Rhodes! Cody immediately floats over into a cover, hooking the far leg!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...THREE!
DING DING DING!
Tony Chimel: ”HERE IS YOUR WINNER, “THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE” CODY RHODES!”
Immediately, Rhodes has their hand raised by the referee…but there is no celebration to be had. This was clearly not the way they wanted this match to go down, as they abandon the ringside area, taking a few moments for the fans, but otherwise simply leaving for the ramp, the camera focusing on his departure until Slammiversary rolls on…
Backstage we see Danhausen preparing for his Intercontinental Title defense against Homicide.
Danhausen
One thing that Danhausen has noticed in the time that he has spent venturing in and around this world is the ability of the inhabitants to ask deep and sometimes dark questions. A former instance of those has occurred on a number of occasions, with the question in question being, “Danhausen, do you believe in fatehausen?”
Danhausen takes a brief pause to pace around for a few seconds before resuming.
Danhausen
But how does one answer such a question when the meaning of it can take on countless potential formalities? Fatehausen tonight for example could be Danhausen losing his Intercointinental Title in the same way that he won it, but on the other handhausen the outcome can and hopefully will be the opposite of that, and Danhausen will instead continue to reign supreme as the almighty champion of the fanhausens.
The fan nod draws some minor background cheers as Danhausen continues.
Danhausen
It’s been an interesting past number of weeks getting to see a closer side of the challenger Death Man and his crew, and Danhausen remains appreciative of him putting his differences aside, just like Danhausen did, for a brief period in order to secure victory in team action a few weeks past. But the time of good will has long since passed, and now the only thing that matters is who emerges victorious tonight. Danhausen anticipates a different sort of challenge to the ones that he has faced up till this point, but it’s through stepping up and executing acts out of the ordinary that have gotten Danhausen to the position that others desire to be in, whilst they remain glued in a position of limbo. And some day Death Man may very well get his moment in the sun, but for now, that light remains firmly fixed on Danhausen.
Danhausen props up his championship belt over his shoulder as the camera feed transitions elsewhere.
As Slammiversary moves on, things head to a panel where former UWF Champions Mick Foley, Sting, and Vinny Marseglia are sitting together with former International Champion Eddie Guerrero seated left to right with Mick on the far left, Vinny and Eddie in the middle, and Sting on the far right.
Mick Foley: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another pay-per-view panel. Now, with this being my favorite time of year, I’m happy to be anywhere but I’m especially happy to be joined by some fellow UWF alumni here, right here, at Slammiversary!
The crowd gives Mick the cheap pop he’s looking for as the camera pans to Eddie.
Eddie Guerrero: Long time no see, holmes. And for one of you, I’m meeting for the first time here tonight.
Eddie turns to Vinny and sticks out his hand and Vinny reciprocates and the two shake hands.
Vinny Marseglia: The pleasure’s all mine, Eddie.
The camera now pans to Sting.
”The Icon” Sting: Haven’t seen you since Shawn Michaels retired you at Anarchy Rulez all those years ago, Eddie, so you’re certainly a sight for these sore eyes!
Mick Foley: Well, guys, tonight we have quite a lineup. Six matches that are surely going to deliver for the big anniversary but the question is: who are walking out the winners and who are walking out the losers? For starters, the Television Championship will be on the line in our first of two triple threat matches when Trevor Lee puts the gold on the line against UWF newcomer LA Knight and former UWF Champion and UWF Hall of Famer Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Eddie Guerrero: Trevor Lee reminds me a lot of myself, vato. He definitely showed a lot of unhingedness in his feud with Leyton Buzzard.
Vinny Marseglia: I, too, saw a lot of myself in Lee during that feud and not just because we have the Television Championship in common. But it’s been a whole different ballgame in his differences with LA Knight and Austin.
”The Icon” Sting: Speaking of playing a different ballgame, let’s talk about Stone Cold Steve Austin. It’s definitely been a different side than we’re used to seeing from him in recent months, and with all due respect, one could argue that the reasonable outcome is either Trevor Lee walking out still champion or LA Knight capturing his first taste of the gold he seems to believe is owed to him.
Sting understandably catches some heat from the UWF fans for his comments.
Mick Foley: Well no punches pulled from the, “Icon” here tonight. In my opinion though, Steve Austin isn’t someone you can ever count out. With that being said, I will agree he’s fighting an uphill battle but he’s not alone because so is the Television Champion. I’m picking LA Knight to win.
Eddie Guerrero: In my opinion, ese’, you can count out Steve Austin but you can’t count out Trevor Lee. He’s my pick.
Vinny Marseglia: I’ve gotta go with Trevor Lee also. Even though Stone Cold is Stone Cold and LA Knight has been impressive, I don’t think we’ve seen the end of the, “Mayor of Harlan” as champion just yet.
”The Icon” Sting: If I was active right now, both Trevor Lee and LA Knight have things about them I’d be fighting against as a proven defender of virtue but that’s a hypothetical and tonight I have the same seat as you three gentlemen and all of our great fans. I’m going to give the edge to LA Knight. It’s not often that you see an unknown, at least in UWF terms, show up and prove themselves so quickly but in my opinion, he’s done that and he’ll back up his big money talk when he becomes the new Television Champion.
Mick Foley: Split right down the middle here. And that brings me to the second triple threat, also with championship implications. No, not the Forever Championship but it will be the number one contendership to the UWF title on the line when the holder of the Forever Championship Sami Zayn steps in the ring with former Intercontinental Champion Tomasso Ciampa and a man who’s been number one contender to the UWF Championship before, the, “Mad King” Eddie Kingston.
Eddie Guerrero: It’s a matter of opinion whether never challenging for the UWF Championship itself or a shot at it works in Ciampa’s favor or against him, holmes, but in my opinion it works in his favor because in that time not getting that opportunity and in that time of defending the Intercontinental Championship and doing other things, that hunger has been there and grown, you know? That’s my pick.
Vinny Marseglia: Right you are, and with a mind like DDP mentoring that hunger, you’ve gotta think he’s the favorite. God knows I’m not picking Sami Zayn or Eddie Kingston, because they both lay claim to lies! Sami Zayn, again and again, has taken credit for eliminating the NWO from the UWF when one by one, member by member, it was me! And as for Eddie being a king? Don’t kid yourself!
”The Icon” Sting: Eddie Kingston has a lot of heart, and is actually my choice to win. He couldn’t wrestle the UWF Championship from CM Punk once upon a time, but now that he’s got the Batista monkey off of his back, I think he’s in a prime position to beat either Shark Boy or Edge when the time comes.
Mick Foley: Well I’ve got to play Devil’s Advocate, guys, and go with Sami Zayn. Not only does he have contendership experience, he’s got champion experience and he’s the veteran of the match. With all those things going for him, I can overlook his arrogance. And speaking of arrogance, they don’t come anymore arrogant than the man that calls himself many names but I’ll just call him Batista.
After weeks of personal lines being crossed, he and Kyle O’Reilly will not only finally do battle but will do so with the Hollywood Championship on the line. I’ll give my pick now, it’s Kyle all the way. Batista is just a prick and I wish he’d go back to Hollywood and leave the UWF forever!
Eddie Guerrero: Well now I get to play Devil’s Advocate, because Batista is actually a good friend of mine. Kyle O’Reilly is just a cucaracha that needs to be squished and I believe Big Dave is going to do just that.
Vinny Marseglia: I got a taste of Batista’s dominance earlier this year in the Royal Rumble match. Mick, I understand why you’re picking against him and I know that Sting is going to pick against him for the same reason, he attacked you both unprovoked. But tasting that dominance and knowing he’s only gotten capable of more dominance since that time, I’m excited for this match. I think Batista is going to win, probably not without controversy and by no means easily, but that’s my pick.
Sting remains silent, only shaking his head.
Mick Foley: Well from a match that Sting and I have hard feelings about to a match that the competitors have hard feelings, tonight we’ll also see Cody Rhodes versus Leyton Buzzard. Now for me, this is an easy choice as well. Cody Rhodes is a former UWF Champion and a Hall of Famer and, while he’s not the same man he was once upon a time, he’s shown that he’s still sadistic and still a great competitor. That’s my choice.
Eddie Guerrero: Ya know, Cody Rhodes and I never had the pleasure of pitting our twisted minds against each other, holmes. I like Cody Rhodes, and I’m looking forward to seeing him make work, perhaps short work, of Leyton Buzzard.
Vinny Marseglia: You called Kyle O’Reilly a cockroach earlier, but I think the real cockroach is Leyton Buzzard because just when you think he’s gone and done for, he shows up again. I find that annoying, especially since I once took my axe to him and a friend of his. So my dislike of Leyton and Eddie and I’s shared admiration of Cody’s sadistic mind means I’m going with Cody.
”The Icon” Sting: You guys aren’t giving poor Leyton a chance. The young man has been through a lot recently and you know what? I admire his strength and think he’s got what it takes to pull off the upset here.
Mick Foley: Also on deck we’ll have Danhausen defending the Intercontinental Championship against the, “Notorious 187” Homicide. Guys, I like Danhausen and I understand he’s very nice and very evil but Homicide is very angry and very hungry to be champion and I think that’s going to be the difference maker.
Eddie Guerrero: Fuck The Cartel!
Vinny Marseglia: The guy’s name is Homicide, what’s not to like?
”The Icon” Sting: Well since we’re keeping it simple, I can’t choose against a fellow face painter.
Mick Foley: And lastly, at least match wise, the Throw in the Towel match between Shark Boy and Edge. It’s anything goes and neither man is in control of how or when it ends, their representative, or representatives in Edge’s case, will make that decision. I’ve gotta say, I’m leaning Shark Boy.
Eddie Guerrero: Previsible! You would pick the pendejo!
Vinny just gives a thumbs down.
”The Icon” Sting: Edge and I go back to the Smackdown days so I know who he is and what he’s capable of, so I can’t rule out a possible win, but I’m picking Shark Boy.
Mick Foley: Well I alluded to it earlier, tonight love is in the air when we hold here, right here, the wedding of Yikes Carumba and the, “War Machine” Rhino!
Eddie Guerrero: Meh.
Vinny Marseglia: I hate weddings.
”The Icon” Sting: Well I’m looking forward to it! Even though, you know, something always happens…
Mick Foley: Well folks, thank you again to my panel this evening. Enjoy the show and Have A Nice Day!
All four men wave as Slammiversary continues elsewhere.
The fans head in from the concession and merch stands and take their seats again ahead of the next contest.
"Homicide" by LL Cool J hits the PA System and out comes the "Notorious 187" Homicide!
Homicide comes out and the fans cheer. Homicide puts the gun signs up and than he fake shoots his pretend guns and makes his way down to the ring as the fans cheer him. He enters the ring and gets to the top turnbuckle removing his bandana and throwing it to the fans. He throws up a gang sign representing his LAX days. Homicide than jumps down from the turnbuckle and is ready for the fight at hand.
Suddenly the lights start to darken and flicker...
Cheers begin to ring all around the arena as the music plays and Danhausen takes to the stage. After a couple of slow spins around the stage area, Danhausen then raises his arms and gives out a determined yell as the crowd pops in appreciation.
Danhausen heads down the ramp, waving politely at some of the fanhausens in attendance before he hops up onto the apron and signals the nearby cameraman to get a close up shot of him. Danhausen then points directly into the camera lens and yells “Love That Danhausen!” before climbing through the middle rope and posing in the center of the ring with his arms held high once again.
Homicide hands off his BMF Prime Time Medal to the Referee while Danhausen reluctantly passes his Intercointinental Championship as well. The Official holds the latter up to show everyone what's on the line as Tony makes his announcements.
Chimel: The following contest is set for one-fall and is for the UWF Intercontinental Championship!
Introducing first, being accompanied to the ring by Dan Lambert, from Coconut Creek, Florida by way of Brooklyn New York this is the Notorious 187 Homicide!!!
And his opponent, from Someplace Far Away, weighing at least 300lbs, the UWF Intercontinental Champion, Danhausen!!
The crowd is decidedly split between Champion and Challenger. Tony heads out of the ring and after ensuring both men are ready to go, the Referee calls for the bell.
VS.
DING DING
Once the bell sounds, Champion and Challenger circle around the edge of the ring, keeping a bit of distance between as they size one another up and look for an opening. Danhausen carries his hands like a dinosaur, arms tucked up with wrists bent. It's Count Dracula-chic. Homicide, alternatively, has his dukes up - hands at the ready with one by his chin one outstretched, ready to pop off a jab in a flash.
Lambert gives a nod of approval from his post at ringside. No advice from the Corner Man yet. He and Homicide have been game-planning for this match for weeks now. All that's left is to see it through. Dan simply watches on as the living legend puts their prep into practice, slowly closing the gap on nimble feet, keeping himself ready as he expects the unexpected from an unorthodox foe.
Ranallo: Danhausen is a one-of-a-kind competitor who doesn't exactly fit in wit the UWF roster, and while it could be said of any of his bouts that there's a significant style difference at play, you might not see two more distinct competitors squaring off in today's day and age than these two.
Phillips: I agree, Mauro. Danhausen is a far cry from the likes of past UWF wrestlers like Lashley or Goldberg, but has nevertheless found a lot of success with his unique skillset. Homicide, on the other hand, is a man who made a name for himself by incorporating street fighting elements into the early oughts independent style and has since taken his game up a notch by training in MMA at American Top Team.
Graves: Yep, there's not telling who's going to win this one. I actually hope they both lose.
The combatants approach each other and eventually meet in the center of the squared circle. Danhausen pulls his arms back like he's going to start things off with some black magic. But Homicide's a lowkey TBDM fan and knows it's a horrible night to have a curse, so he moves in a slaps on a side headlock. He pulls the Intercointinental Champ in tight and squeezes hard.
Danhausen tries to push him off towards the ropes, but the Notorious 187's power advantage is apparent right away. He keeps his feet planted and applies even more pressure. Unable to slip out, Danhausen looks to get some leverage on his side and uses a foot to push down on the back of Homicide's knee to buckle it. The sudden change in heights give Danhausen the room he needs to escape, and as he's pulling his head through, he grabs a wrist and maneuvers it behind the kneeling Homicide's back to sink in a hammerlock.
Homicide rolls through to alleviate the tension and then pulls Danhausen's left leg out from under him. The Champion crashes down to the mat, and as the Prime Time Medalist is still holding the ankle, he has no trouble transition over into a pin attempt...
1...
Danhausen pops out right away and rolls himself over to gain top position. He tries for a cover of his own with a lateral press.
1...
Homicide shoves him off just as quickly. They scramble to gain a dominant position - the Challenger gets there first, snagging a front headlock on his kneeling foe.
Dan Lambert smells blood in the water now. He gives the edge up to apron a few encouraging pounds, psyching up his guy to put this away quick. Homicide starts working for the guillotine choke. Danhausen gets his hands up around the aggressing arms to pry him off. A struggle ensues with the Referee dropping down to get a closer look just in case the Champion goes unconscious.
It never gets that far. Danhausen manages to wrestle the arm from around his throat, and, keeping wrist control, rolls and flattens the BMF Medalist with a Fujiwara armbar.
Phillips: For all the way this match could had started, I'm surprised to see so much classic mat-work here.
Ranallo: Danhausen is a master of subverting expectations. Perhaps he's trying to throw Homicide off of his game by flexing his traditional wrestling prowess rather than going straight for the macabre mindgames.
Graves: Did you see how fast he got that choke loose? I'll bet you any money he bit Homicide to do it.
If he did, Homicide isn't complaining to the Referee about it. Where he comes from, snitches get stitches. That said, he looks to be in quite a bit of pain as Danhausen wrenches his arm up behind his back. That'll pop your shoulder out of place real quick.
The Notorious 187 grits his teeth and starts the slow crawl towards the ropes, using his free hand to drag both his and his opponents' weight in that direction. Fortunately for him, he's been putting in some serious hours at the gym ahead of this bout, so he's able to haul the three-hundred-plus pounds of heft that the IC Champ is packing.
Slowly but surely, Homicide inches towards the rope before finally getting close enough to reach out and grip the bottom cable. The Official starts up a five count for Danhausen to release. He's Very Nice so he lets go right away, but also, he's Very Evil, so he gives it one last extra twang on the release. The Cartel member pulls his arm in towards his chest to nurse that bad boy while his opponent backs away to the far side of the ring, riling up the crowd like an orchestra conductor as he goes. He garners a substantial "DAN-HAU-SEN" chant from the capacity crowd, but in the breaks between, there's an equal and opposite force countering with "HOM-I-CIDE!"
Ranallo: Suffice to say that the UWF Universe is split fifty-fifty on this one.
Phillips: Homicide alluded to it on the build for this match - he's been through a lot in the UWF and to see him come around from one of the most despised men on the roster to a fan favourite has been a stunning journey.
Graves: Oh has it Phillips? Does it just warm your fuzzy, little heart to see this con man play Mister Nice Guy now? Once a criminal, always a criminal. FTC. Then. Now. Forever.
Homicide uses the ropes to pull himself up. Danhausen comes back in, arms outstretched like a zombie on approch. The Challenger cuts him off with a knee to the guts, and after that, whips him across the ring. The Champion bounces off the far cables and gets smashed on the way back with another knee, aka the Kitchen Sin. That turns him inside out good and proper. Following that up with a snap suplex, Homicide then tosses his foe into the base of one of the turnbuckles, where he lands seated at the base in a daze.
The Notorious 187 then heads to an adjacent post to give himself some space for a running start. Going oldschool, Homicide charges in and blasts the guy across his pale, pale mug with the sole of boot. It lands flush and absolutely rocks the spooky grappler's world. Yanking out towards the middle of the ring by one ankle, Homicide drops down and shoots the half...
1...
2...
Danhausen is able to kick out just after the second count. Homicide nods, knowing it'll take a bit more than that to secure the victory, but also feeling some serious momentum building up behind him now.
He pulls the super heavyweight up to his feet but keeps him bent over so that he can flip the dude up on to his shoulders. With Danhausen placed in powerbomb position, Homicide aims for that same corner he just had him seated at.
Ranallo: Homicide looking for that F Bomb. That could be a game changer.
Graves: I don't care that he cheated the scales - Danhausen is clearly skin and bone and a high impact slam like that on a man with no cushion to spare lands at least twice as hard.
Homicide charges forward, but before he can execute the maneuver, the wily Champ rolls back and counters with a headscissors takedown. He flips the Notorious 187 over and sends him tumbling through the ropes to the floor below.
Lambert circles around to where his fighter has spilled out. The Referee warns him out getting handsy with the help - Dan keeps his distance as he coaches the wounded Homicide.
Up in the ring, Danhausen stays kneeling on the canvas for a bit, taking a few seconds to recuperate and catch his breath. When the third man sees no indication that the Champion is going to take the action to the floor, he initiates a ten count...
1...
2...
3...
Homicide finally sits up on the outside. He shakes his head and comes back to his senses as Lambert stands there and yells at him to get up and at it.
4...
The Notorious 187 gets to a vertical base. Cracking his neck from side to side, he then gives Lambert a nod and heads back for the ring. The Official holds off from making the fifth count as Homicide is showing every sign of coming back into the regulation zone.
As he's climbing on the apron, though, Danhausen pops up and charges at him. The three-hundred-pounder slides like a baseball player coming into home and clips the Contender in the chin with a low dropkick!
Homicide is knocked backwards off his feet while Danhausen lands on the floor. Lambert curses the freaky little freakazoid out. Danhausen hisses at him, which spooks out the ATT coach enough to ward him off. Nearby, at the announce tables, both the Spanish and English commentary teams get up out of their chairs and huddle up close to the barricade as this title tilt moves into their neck of the woods.
Phillips: The action is getting a little too close for comfort here.
Graves: Get these animals away from me! Where's security? Ref! Let's see some control here!
All the Referee can do is start up another ten count...
1...
2...
Danhausen grabs Homicide by the head and pulls up to his feet before nailing a European uppercut.
3...
That shot might knock a normal person out cold. It has the opposite affect on the Prime Time Medalist. The hit to the head fires Homicide up, and he retaliates with a stiff left hook that sends Danhausen spinning like a top.
4...
Homicide follows up by looking for a headlock, but Danhausen takes snatches his wrist coming in and uses that momentum against him by whipping him into the steel stairs. The Challenger dislodges the steps as he tumbles over them with a big ol' clang and thud. The fans grimace as he lands ugly amidst the wreckage.
5...
Danhausen doesn't go after him, but instead goes fishing under the apron. The fans pop cause they know what's up.
Ranallo: Check your watches, gentlemen, I think it's almost two-thirty!
Graves: What the hell are you talking about Mauro? It's like nine o'clock at the latest.
Ranallo: Two-thirty, Corey. Like tooth hurty. Because Danhausen is getting his jar of tee -
Graves: All I want for Christmas is a second brand again, so that I can work a different night of the week with a different team.
6...
Danhausen attempts to yank the jar out, but runs in to trouble. Something's holding him it back. He pulls harder. Harder. It's not coming. It's like pulling teeth. Well, it is exactly that, but it's also like that. Anyway, eventually he tugs hard enough. The jar comes out, but there's something else with it.
MISTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICO!
The fans scream his true name as Sin Cara is revealed to be the anchor on the other end of the jar.
7...
So shocked by this is the IC Champ that he actually loses his grip on the jar. Sin Cara holds it up victoriously over his head. Danhausen can already tells what he's about to do. He begs and pleads with the luchador to see reason, but Sin Cara has never been known to be a reasonable man. Without a hint of hesitation, he smashes the Jar of Teeth on the floor! Molars and canines and glass go all over the place and Danhausen cries out in anguish like on of his Horcruxes was just destroyed.
8...
Sin Cara looks to Homicide for an "atta boy". Getting up from the toppled stairs, Homicide, in the holiday spirit of charity, offers him a tepid thumbs up. Mistico has never known such joy in his life. To receive validation for a job well done is all The Cartel enforcer has ever wanted and - OH SNAP - the vengeful Danhausen drops him with a Goodnighthausen face-first onto the teeth and glass! He's bleeding through the mask already!
9...
Hearing the nine count, both Danhausen and Homicide are instilled with an urgency to get back in the ring. The Champ shoves the bleeding luchador away and springs up to slide back into the ring. Homicide does the same on the other side just at the Official is about to call this whole thing off.
Graves: I almost got what I wanted. We almost had two losers.
Phillips: That was an extremely close call!
Ranallo: Sin Cara has successfully eliminated the threat of Danhausen's favourite technically-legal foreign object - a uh... a domestic object, I suppose. It cost him dearly, but there's no denying that Sin Cara just gave his best friend in the world a better shot at walking away with the gold.
Lambert circles back around the ring and looks down at the bleeding, twitching Sin Cara with the same awkward pity you might show a deer you just clipped the legs out from under going 85mphm on the interstate. He tells him to "Walk it off, son", while the blood pools inside the mask.
Up in the ring, Danhausen is the first to his feet. Homicide is still a little dinged up from the stair collision. The Champion grabs him by the neck again to lift him up, possibly thinking about another Goodnighthausen. Before he can pop it off, though, Homicide shoves him off, jumps up, snags his neck and drops him with a Gringo Cutter!
Danhausen eats a face full of mat on the landing that rings his bell good and hard. Homicide rolls him over and makes the cover...
1...
2...
No! Danhausen kicks out before the three count!
Homicide seems a little surprised, but isn't discouraged. Getting back to his feet, he grabs a fistful of hair to drag Danhausen to a vertical base. The Intercointinental Champion throws some feeble punches at his foe's midsection but they don't really have any effect. The Notorious 187 just shakes his head and tells his opponent, "You ain't no heavyweight".
A knee to the tummy sets up Danhausen for another powerbomb, but not Homicide's typical F Bomb or Bronx Bomber. No, he's here to prove a point, using a bonafide heavyweight maneuver that would only be possible on a man a smaller man. It's a throw he learned a long time ago from and old pal. He gets Danhausen into an elevated crucifix position...
Ranallo: Is Homicide doing what I think he's doing? Booking Danhausen a flight through LAX?
Phillips: A nod to another former Cartel member, maybe?
Graves: Nostalgia for the Cartel is worse than people defending the Star Wars prequels.
The BMF has the prone Danahusen held up by the armpits, draped over is back. He turns towards the ropes on the commentary side and runs for them, launching his opponent over the top cable when he gets there!
Homicide annihilates Danhausen with a BORDER TOSS~!
"HOLY SHIT" chants erupt around the arena as the IC Champ crashes down on the teeth and glass scattered on the floor about ten feet below. He lands like lawn chair that got picked up and thrown halfway across the county by an Okie tornado. Crumpled. Busted. Effed.
Ranallo: MAMA MIA!
Phillips: Homicide living up to his namesake! As the UWF celebrates it's eleventh birthday, the man who has been here since the early days is showing that he's still as dangerous as ever as he chases down another belt to add to his resume!
Danhausen's skin is riddled with teeth. The shattered glass has inflicted scores of tiny lacerations. He's lying in a way that bodies normally don't and shouldn't. The only signs of life are the muscle spasms. Even the decimated Sin Cara lying nearby doesn't look like his straits are as dire as the Champions.
The Referee looks at Homicide like he's an absolute psycho then starts up a ten count...
1...
2...
3...
Homicide waves him and steps through the ropes, knowing dang well he can't walk away with the gold if this thing ends via count-out. He drops down to the floor and picks Danhausen up, then rolls him under the bottom rope.
Phillips: It's all over but the crying now.
Graves: Yeah. Tears of joy from the network because they won't have to promote a literal demon in the ads anymore.
The Notorious 187 follows Danahusen in, rolls him a little further into the middle of the ring and then goes for the cover...
Except Danhausen snags him with a desperate Small Package outta nowhere first! The crowd gasps! The Referee drops to count it...
1...
Ranallo: Danhausen with the roll-up! He's going to steal it!
2...
Phillips: Unbelievable!
Homicide kicks out before the third count! The fans are shocked! Stunned! Stymied! Lambert is pulling out his air at ringside. Ninety-nine percent of a hundred-percent of the chairs in the arena are going unused this holiday season because folks are on the edges of them!
The Notorious 187 gets up and stumbles away after escaping the near-fall. Danhausen is still groggy as heck as he rises to a kneeling position. Homicide lines him up in his sites and decides to put the finishing touches on with his newest, deadliest move. He rushes in, looking for that Running, Flying, BMF Knee that has brought him a career revitalization.
With one swift kneecap to the dome, Homicide will seal the deal and crown himself champion.
Just as he's about to connect, though, Danhausen slips to the side and catches him with another roll-up! Big gasp in the crowd! Again? They can't hardly believe it! Homicide's shoulders hit the canvas at the Referee comes down to count...
1...
2...
No! Homicide shoves him off before its all over!
Ranallo: Bah gawd!
Phillips: *King Scream*
Homicide is the first to his feet again. Danhausen looks to meet him there but he gets winded by a punch right to the bread basket. That takes the wind out of his sails pronto. The Notorious 187 then hooks his arms, knowing that he's one Gringo Killa away from putting a definitive stamp on this.
As he goes to rotate his opponent around, though, Danhausen spins through all the way, twisting Homicide around as he breaks loose so that they just end up facing each other again. The Intercointinental Champion then kicks the Contender in the stomach, hooks his head, grabs a leg and nails a brutal, desperate Goodnighthausen!
The roof damn near blows off the building - gasps from the Notorious 187's fans and cheers for the Champ as he keeps that leg hooked on landing for a cover...
1...
2...
3...
DING DING
YOUR WINNER...
AND STILL UWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION
DANHAUSEN!
His freaky little music hits the PA as Danhausen rolls off, exhausted but ultimately victorious. The Official collects the title belt and brings it over to present to the winner as he slowly gets to his feet.
Phillips: Homicide absolutely took it to the Intercontinental Champion but in the end, Danhausen retains.
Ranallo: In the end, I'd say it was the surprising speed of this super heavyweight that played the deciding factor.
Graves: Always a pleasure to see a Cartel member take the L, but I'm not even remotely thrilled about kicking off the company's twelfth year - much less the Road to Wrestlemania - with that creep as one of our champions.
Danhausen holds his belt high while clutching some banged up ribs. Loose teeth are still stuck in his flesh. Dan Lambert slides into the ring to check on Homicide, who's already sitting up, shaking his head in disappointment. The retaining Champ leaves them to it as he heads up the ramp. Slammiversary rolls on!
With the cameras having head elsewhere, we pick up a scene within the locker room, one mister Trevor Lee in the process of dressing up for the night. Standing alone for once, it appears they haven't even caught on to the fact that the cameras are on him, as he can be heard speaking to himself while pulling on his kneepads.
Trevor Lee: "...remember, Trevor, tonight's the big night. Tonight is THE night, you get to show everyone across the whole darn world jus' what those other peons are truly messin' wit' 'ere in the U-Dubya-Eff..."
Being a bit more bold, the camera approaches further, allowing the shotgun microphone to pick up some more of what the TV champ is truly saying...
Trevor Lee: "...Andy should 'ave no problem bailin' me out if that cocky lil' self-proclaimed 'Mega-Star' decides to get all cheeky wit' the triple threat ruleset. I mean, what are those morons gonna' complain 'bout this time when I win that title defense? Oh, ya' had The Butcher save ya' 'hind again? Oh well, that's what happens when a champion hols' onto a pretty lil' thin' like this, sucks to suck, don't it? Maybe those two supposed 'challengers' should jus' learn to get better at 'rasslin instead o' complainin' like some useless, pathetic fools. At least then it'll help make me look even better when they document my rise to the top..."
Sighing, Lee grabs the UWF Television Championship out of his bag, as well as his wrestling boots, looking down to begin lacing them up. By now, the camera operator has grown quite a pair given Lee's ignorance towards their current filming, as they approach even further...
Trevor Lee: "Seriously, though, this entire match is nothin' but a joke, right? I mean, they throw me Steve Austin first 'cause he for some reason keeps callin' me out in his useless drunken ramblins', an' then LA Knight suddenly shows up an' gets pronounced the number one contender just 'cause he beat Austin? I mean, at this rate, I ain't ever gon' lose this title, am I? Wit' who they keep throwin' my way, it ain't just goin' to be me as the longest reignin' U-Dubya-Eff Television Champion, it's goin' to be seein' that useless tool Sami Zayn gain some company in bein' someone who retires a title while still the champion an' carry it 'round as a sign o' pride in how they dominated all the other morons that stood 'round them an' did nothin' while they etched their name into the history books. Difference is, at least my championship will have actually mattered in the eleven-year history o' this company, 'specially when it gets highlighted after I fully take this place as my own once I claim the TRUE prize o' this darn h-e-double hockey stick hole-"
Suddenly, as his boots are all tied up, Lee's head perks up. The camera operator seems to have made a mistake, as a noise alerts Lee of the camera's presence, and in the drop of a hat, suddenly the man is all smiles and sunshine. The mask being easy to slip on certainly is a benefit for the TV Champion, it seems, as they turn fully towards the recorder.
Trevor Lee: "Ah, howdy there, partner~! So nice o' ya' to drop on by 'head o' my big ol' title defense later on tonight. I mean, I woulda' preferred a bit o' warnin', o' course, but eh, when ya' gettin' the national exposure that I am, sometimes ya' jus' gotta' expect things like this to happen, y'know what I mean?"
Chuckling to himself, Lee stands up, placing on his entrance jacket and hat, before then hooking the UWF Television Championship around his waist. Taking a few steps forward, his smile remains steadfast, while forcing the camera operator to back off.
Trevor Lee: "Ah, 'course ya' don' know what I mean...I mean, ya' never had someone like ya'self puttin' a camera in their face at every opportunity, tryin' to fin' the next big scoop, the hit story, the article that'll get the clicks goin' or whatever the heck it is that those so-called jour-nal-is-tic folk do on the internet nowadays. I mean, whatever happened to just puttin' some proper news in the paper, like how it's done down in Harlan?"
Lee shakes his head at this.
Trevor Lee: "Oh, but that ain't wha'cha 'ere for, is it? Nah, nah nah nah, nah ya' wanna' know what's to come for my Television Title defense up 'gainst good ol' mista' Rattlesnake an' mista' Mega-Star, right?"
The camera nods in response.
Trevor Lee: "Well...sorry 'bout that, pardner, but I ain't tellin' ya' any o' my strategies. Can't risk mista' Rattlesnake or mista' Mega-Star gettin' any info, can I? I mean, those two are already some truly worthy challengers to my title, an' while it would make my successful defense tonight all the more impressive, it wouldn't exactly be fair to give 'em a handicap. Least, not a bigger one than they're already gettin'~!"
Lee claps his hands together.
Trevor Lee: "Ya' see, after I met up wit' an ol' frien' o' mine from down in Harlan, I told my good pal Andy that he could take tonight off an' go destress or somethin' down at one o' the spas that I invited Sami Zayn an' his entourage to! Such a nice man that is, I know he's a bit busy tonight, but 'ey Sami, just to keep ya' in the know, there's still vacancies down there for any vacations that ya' wanna' take!"
Waving to the camera, Lee clears his throat to get back on-topic.
Trevor Lee: "Ah, as I was sayin', though, Andy? He's gone for the night, folks, an' that means I am solely relyin' on my skills that 'ave gone an' paid the bills for the past one hundred an' fifty plus days now! An' y'all already know that tonight, after I soundly defeat mista' Rattlesnake an' mista' Mega-Star in what is sure to be a hotly contested matchup between three o' the best from the past, present an' future that the U-Dubya-Eff 'ave to offer, I will be well on my way to usurpin' one mista' Aleister Black as the longest-reignin' U-Dubya-Eff Television Champion o' all time! An' it ain't jus' gonna' en' there, nah, nah nah nah nah nah, nah y'all already know I'll be takin' this piece o' Harlan Gold...tooooo the mooooooonnn~!!!"
Letting his catchphrase fly, Lee remains all smiles for a few moments, waiting for the feed to shift over...and when he thinks it is safe, the mask falls off, and a scowl forms on his face.
Trevor Lee: "So...camera person, why don'cha sit down an' tell ol' Mister Trevor Lee somethin' - just exactly how much o' that lil' conversation wit' myself did ya' pick up wit' that fancy camera o' yours?"
As Lee approaches further, THAT is when the feed finally cuts elsewhere...
As Slammiversary continues, things head backstage where Batista is seen in the background warming up as, in the forefront, The Miz and Goldust are looking into the camera.
The Miz: Kyle and Bayley O’Reilly. This whole time you’ve been playing checkers while The Guild have been playing chess, and you didn’t know it until we flipped the board on you at Rebellion and left you laying. In all the pomp and circumstance of your big premiere, you let Goldust and I become an afterthought and foolishly bought into Batista’s gestures of good will leading up to it and the night of and paid dearly for your gullibility. But there’s about to be more than egg on your face, Kyle, there’s also going to be sweat and tears and lots of your own blood. You’re about to be manhandled by the, “Feature Presentation” himself, and he’s not going to let up until he says cut and that’s a wrap. I see that you’re warming up for this, but nothing can truly prepare you for the shit you’ve stepped in. You’re waist deep at best and are quickly going to be in over your head. Because tonight’s not just about UWF blowing out the candles on another year, it’s about the, “Hollywood Animal” snuffing out yours. And it’s going to be…awesome.
Miz smiles and Goldust bites at the camera as Slammiversary heads elsewhere.
Tony Chimel:The following triple threat match is scheduled for one fall and is for the UWF Television Championship. Already in the ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin
Austin would get up on the middle turnbuckle and lift his arms up in the air, the crowd cheering for him.
Tony Chimel:Introducing his opponents first…
"Knight Vision" begins to play throughout the arena and the capacity begins to groan because they know what time it is. It is time to titillate their juices with the arrival of the "Thursday Night Thriller". This is the "Million Dollar Megastar". This is LA Knight. Knight does not take long bursting through the curtain and out onto the stage. The reception he receives isn't warm whatsoever but LA Knight does not care. He soaks in the atmosphere while the jeers rain down on him.
Tony Chimel: Ladies and Gentlemen, coming to the ring, from Baltimore, Maryland, weighing in at 230 pounds, he is the "Million Dollar Megastar", L...A....Knight!
As Chimel announces the brash star from Baltimore, Knight spells his name out in the air just to make sure that everyone knows exactly who he is.
Knight continues down the ramp towards the ring. The entire time he talks trash to all the people in the front row. He's not here for them; he's here for himself. As he reaches the end of the aisleway, he heads towards the hard camera before leaping onto the ring apron and posing for everyone to see him. There is no shortage in confidence in Knight tonight, as he enters the ring, climbs the nearest turnbuckle and throws up the "LA" hand sign.
Knight leaps off the top rope to the canvas and continues to prepare for the upcoming match he has.
Tony Chimel: And their opponent…..
When the southern alt. rock hit "Ain't No Rest For The Wicked" starts playing throughout the arena, the fans' excitement is turned into scorn as out struts the man best known either as the mayor of Harlan, Kentucky or as the current UWF Television Champion, one mister Trevor Lee. Stepping in time with his brand spankin' new theme song, Trevor Lee is given a showcase of the "respect" that the fans have for him, as a cacophony of jeers rain down upon the champ, with them quickly amplifying as Lee stands at the top of the entrance ramp, giving a double finger point to the gorilla position right as "The Butcher" Andy Williams comes to join him.
Tony Chimel: Being accompanied to the ring by "The Butcher" Andy Williams...weighing in at 220 lbs, he is the current UWF Television Champion, and would like to ask everyone in attendance to go vote for his re-election as mayor of his hometown of Harlan, Kentucky...Trevor Lee!
As Lee makes his way down the ramp, he has that sinister, serpent's grin put on full display as he looks out around at the gathered crowd, pamphlets focusing on his re-election in one hand, while the other clutches on oh so tightly to his precious "Harlan Gold". Offering out the pamphlets like candy, Lee doesn't bat an eye as a majority of the fans either toss them on the ground or rip them up, as his focus remains on simply basking in his own entrance.
Once at ringside, Lee opts to take the long road, striding to the hardcam side with that damned devilish grin on his face, Andy following closely behind to prevent any ambushes like a good bodyguard does. Hopping up knees-first onto the ring apron, mister Trevor Lee once again stops to look out to the crowd, using his newly-freed hand to clutch onto the ropes while keeping a firm grip on the WUF TV Title with the other, before then perking up to his feet. Finding his footing, Lee would point two fingers up to the sky, his eyes closed and a beaming smirk on his face, as he calls out how he's bringing both his in-ring and political game "TO THE MOON!"
With Trevor FINALLY in the ring, "The Butcher" Andy Williams would roll in afterwards, going right into his goose stepping taunt as he circles around his mayor, before standing right to the side of his boss/employer/friend(?), letting Lee take center stage once more as the two now await whomever Lee is facing off against...
The referee takes the belt from Lee who seems almost hesitant to give it up. This has been one of his biggest tests since becoming champion but he doesn’t betray any doubt, the people of Harlan trust their mayor. The referee shows it to a non plussed Stone Cold and when he gets to Knight, Knight grabs the belt and lifts it up in the air as if he’s just won it. The camera catches Lee’s face shift to one of pure rage as the referee gets the belt of Knight who points at Lee and Austin before motioning around his waist.
Mauro Ranallo:Ladies and Gentlemen, please allow me to welcome to you what i’m sure is going to be an exciting match for the UWF TV Championship, Trevor Lee defending against Steve Austin and an as always confident LA Knight.
Tom Phillips:Confident is an understatement Mauro. LA grabbing that belt from the referee and acting like he’s won the whole match already, you can’t knock him for believing in himself but some humility can’t hurt can it.
Corey Graves:Who needs humility when you’re the megastar Phillips. As much as I like Lee, he might have met his match here in LA Knight when it comes to the mind games.
The bell finally rings and Lee charges straight past Austin into LA Knight but Knight manages to hoist him up onto the apron but is met with a soccer kick that rocks him back into Austin who locks his waist, looking for a roll up attempt, Knight manages to deny Austin and rolls through to the ropes and get to his feet. Austin charges Knight but is met with an elbow to the face, Knight goes for a Powerslam on Austin but he is cradled into a pin which he kicks out of almost immediately. Lee runs in and grabs Austin by the waist, deadlifting him and hitting a Gutwrench Suplex. Before Lee can even go for a pin he’s met with a Clothesline by Knight, sending him rolling out the ring and Knight covers Austin.
Mauro Ranallo:GUTWRENCH SUPLEX BY LEE, THIS COULD BE ENOUGH TO TAKE OUT AUSTIN, KNIGHT TAKING LEE OUT WITH A CLOTHESLINE
Tom Phillips:LA Knight could steal it here, Trevors reign could come to an end in only a couple of minutes
Corey Graves:Well if it does hopefully he blames Austin for this, I get he’s held together with duct tape at this point but I thought the guy was meant to be tough
1….Kick Out
The toughness of Austin shines through as he kicks out of the maneuver, some time having elapsed as Knight got rid of Lee. Knight gets Austin up into a seated chinlock, looking to work that neck of Austin’s, a known disadvantage of the rattlesnakes. Austin tries to reach for a rope but hes in the middle of the ring, no mans land. Austin begins to fade but Lee comes back in and hits a roundhouse to the side of Knights head, the million dollar megastar letting go of the hold as he flops to the side. Lee continues were Knight left off, knocking Austin down and dropping some elbows on Austin’s chest. Sitting Austin back up, Lee looks to lift him up into that Deadlift German Suplex but Austin manages to get an elbow off and hit Lee right in the face, Lee grabs his nose, making sure it isn’t broken or bleeding and that look of anger crosses his face again, charging Austin he is whipped off into the ropes and comes back into a Lou Thesz Press, the punches raining down on him, Austin goes for a cover.
Mauro Ranallo:LA Knight was showing his authority over Steve Austin in the beginning of that exchange but Trevor Lee was waiting for the right moment and hit with that roundhouse kick but now Austin is, quite literally, on top.
Tom Phillips:Knight still out after that Roundhouse, I think Lee caught him right in the ear and that’s affected Knight's recovery time in earnest, knocking off his equilibrium.
Corey Graves: As impressive as the kicks of Trevor Lee are, it is going to take a lot more than that to keep the “Million Dollar Megastar” down for long and Austin is getting a short run that is going to come to a halt.
1..2…Broken up by Knight
Knight picks Lee up and throws him towards the ropes but Lee holds on and as Knight charges him, drops down and out the ring, Knight follows him and is blocked by The Butcher. Knight puts up his hands and backs off from the bigger guy but this allows Lee to get on the apron and charge with a Soccer Kick, Knight having scouted this from earlier, grabs Lee's leg as he kicks and pulls him off the apron, Lee spilling to the floor. Knight does his signature taunt and drops a Standing Elbow on Lee. In the ring, Austin is recovering and sees the commotion outside. Following the duo, Austin charges and goes for a Lariat on Knight who ducks it and throws Austin into the stairs. A wicked smile crosses Knights face as he throws Lee back into the ring and grabs a chair from underneath. Sliding back in he cracks the chair on the back of Lee before going for a cover.
Mauro Ranallo:I wondered who and when weapons would be introduced into this match. Triple threat rules means no disqualifications, meaning all of this is legal gentlemen.
Tom Phillips:I’m not shocked that LA was the first to get some sort of weapon, I mean when he came face to face with The Butcher you could see the fear in his eyes and you know what, thats smart of him.
Corey Graves:LA Knight is one of the smartest competitors in the UWF today and its about time people started to recognize that, especially so called commentators who seem to want to question everything he does.
1…2….2.5…..Kick out.
Lee gets the shoulder up as Knight slams the mat in frustration, picking the chair back up, Knight wedges it into the corner and picks Lee up, looking to Irish Whip him into it but Lee manages to grab the ropes, Knight follows him but Lee uses the rope recoil to leverage up and over Knight, landing behind him, Knight turns round but is hit with a Shotgun Dropkick onto the chair in the corner, the back of Knights head hitting it and causing Knight to be seated in the corner, Lee looks like he is going to charge and go for a corner knee but Austin runs in and pushes him out the way before stomping over to Knight and hitting him with the mudhole stomps and walking them dry. Knight gets up and Austin grabs him for the Stunner but Knight manages to reverse it into a full nelson slam attempt but Austin manages to wriggle out and hits Knight with a Piledriver, Austin goes for the cover.
Mauro Ranallo:AUSTIN HIT THE PILEDRIVER, LEE IS ON THE OUTSIDE, THIS COULD BE OVER, THE AUSTIN ERA COULD BEGIN HERE
Tom Phillips:Austin got Knight snug with that Piledriver, Knight might not be able to recover
Corey Graves:COME ON LA, THIS CAN’T END LIKE THIS.
1…2…2.5….Broken up by Lee
Lee runs in and cracks a kendo stick across the back of Austin who lets go of Knight who did seem to be about to kick out as Lee came in. Wielding the Kendo Stick like a club, The Mayor of Harlan cracks Austin across the back, welts forming almost immediately until all thats left is a stick of splinters. Lee picks Austin up by the waist and hits the Deadlift German Suplex. Turning he sees Knight is recovering, stalking his prey he goes for the Cave In but Knight dodges out the way and slips behind Lee, grabbing him and going for that Full Nelson Slam but Lee gets the elbow and LA grabs onto the rope to support him but Lee knocks him over with a Jumping High Knee. Lee turns to see Austin get back to his feet, grabbing Austin he looks for the Political Aspirations but Austin pushes him off, this allows Lee to hit the ropes and come back with a devastating Cave In. Lee goes for the cover, LA tries to get in but The Butcher holds his foot.
1…2….3…..
Tony Chimel: YOUR WINNER AND STILL UWF TV TELEVISION CHAMPION, TREVOR LEE.
Lee rolls out the ring, having realized what had happened and is handed the belt by The Butcher as the referee meets him to lift his arm. Knight looks at the pair with anger in his eyes as Austin lies on the mat, covering his face with his hands.
Mauro Ranallo:Trevor Lee once again escapes with his TV title reign intact, once again a save from The Butcher, saves Lee’s title run.
Tom Phillips:As we saw in a replay there, LA Knight was about to make it back in the ring but Butcher grabbed his foot and managed to stop him, a second later and Lee had retained.
Corey Graves:There's a reason Trevor Lee is trusted by many to be their political representative and its that brain of his. He had it all scouted out and it paid off.
The camera cuts one more time to Lee and Butcher as the pair make off with the TV Championship.
The titantron would cut to Ciampa standing backstage, he has his hood up and DDP is next to him sitting on an equipment box, looking at his protege who is pacing back and forth. Lifting up a single digit, Ciampa would talk.
Ciampa: Exactly one year ago today, at the last Slammiversary, I defeated Dolph Ziggler by count out to retain my primetime medal. That turned out to be the last victory I needed before I could face Seth Rollins for the Intercontinental Championship. I went on to beat Seth and reign for Seven months with that belt, just a couple of weeks shy of beating Rick Rudes record.
Now I find myself at the same event in similar circumstances, fighting for an opportunity, an opportunity I have scratched and clawed to get for the past year, an opportunity to show why I deserve to be here. Tonight we find out who will face Shark Boy or Edge in the future and I intend for that man to be me. I’ve busted my ass off to get here not to just fall at the last hurdle, to fall to guys like Sami and Kingston.
DPP would nod in the background.
Ciampa: I understand they’re tough opposition but those two are the same men as they were a year ago. Sami is still that delusional freak and Kingston is a man fighting a losing battle. I wasn’t lying when I said Eddie and I are similar. The clock is running out for both of us. In our younger days we fought brutally and decided to think about it later, well later is beginning to catch up and i’ll be damned if i’m going to go out without having my shot at the big one.
Sami might be paranoid as all hell and have the delusions of grandeur to match it but it doesn’t mean he’s not a threat. That mind of his might be crazy but its also effective. He uses that to get people off their guard and then he strikes, he picks his moments wisely and then acts upon them. Its guys like him you need to watch out for in a match like this, guys with nothing to lose and everything to prove.
Looking away from the camera for a moment Ciampa would sigh
Ciampa: Like i said however, those two haven’t changed in the past year: I have. This time last year I was the worst person you could meet. I didn’t care who I took out, as long as they were in my way, I took them out. I sent Nash back to the retirement home to win the Primetime Medal. I had Wardlow crush people who crossed me, I did what I want and I didn’t care about the consequences, I was untouchable.
Then suddenly I could be touched. Danhausen took Goldie from me and it shattered everything. I was in disbelief, if it wasn’t for DDP back there, I might still be lost. Now i’m not saying i’m completely changed, I still got that dog in me. The dog that wants to be unleashed and go on the hunt, its still there and its never going to leave but instead of letting it takeover, we learn how to control it.
Looking at DDP, Ciampa would nod.
Ciampa: We learn how to utilize it and we make it part of ourselves. I’m not completely changed yet and maybe I never will be but in the end, I am going to make sure I am the best version of myself that I can be and that begins tonight when I become number one contender for the UWF Championship. My destiny has lead to this moment and tonight: I embrace Destiny.
With that Ciampa and DDP would walk off camera, a newly focused Ciampa has been born.
The funky beat of Walk The Moon's "Headphones" plays and the crowd starts to boo as it means the arrival of the current? World Tag Team Champion Sami Zayn. He has the title in his hands and dances with it on the stage. He ends up calming down a bit but still walks with some swagger down the ramp, swinging his belt around like he's got a big one.
Tony Chimel: From Montreal Quebec, Canada, weighing in at 212 pounds, The Dynamic Sami Zayn!!
Sami slides into the ring and continues to dance around with his belt much to the chagrin of the paying audience. Sami walks over and makes sure to show it off to all the fans before preparing for the match.
As Like a Villain blasts over the speakers Ciampa walks out onto stage, hood up and looking down, followed by DDP. The crowd cheers pair loudly, Ciampa would stand focussed as DDP would lower his hood down and Ciampa would look at the ring, not taking his focus off it
Tony Chimel: Making his way to the ring and being accompanied by DDP from Boston, Massachusetts weighing in tonight at 201lbs he is The "Psycho Killer" Tommaso Ciampa.
Making his march down to the ring, Ciampa would bump fists with some audience members but would keep his eyes on his challenger. Getting to the ring steps, he would kneel down with one leg and look like he's saying a mantra of sorts before slapping the steps to make a loud noise before running up them and getting into the ring. DDP has a little word in his ear before he slaps Ciampa on the back and tells him he knows he's got this before he heads back up the ramp.
Tony Chimel: And their opponent from Yonkers, New York - weighing in at 240 pounds, he is 'The Mad King'... EDDIE KINGSTON!
Vs Vs
The bell sounds and all three men stand in opposing corners, the crowd at fever pitch with a UWF Title opportunity up for grabs. Typically, Eddie Kingston begins to shit-talk his opponents his jaw-jacking as he walks towards the centre of the ring. Not to be outdone, Tommaso Ciampa - raring to fight - makes his way to meet Kingston dead centre of the ring. Sami Zayn however has remained in his corner watching on as Eddie and Ciampa stare down in the middle of the ring. Sami remains in the corner until both Kingston and Ciampa turn their heads and clock Zayn, the crowd cheer in unison as both men make their way over to Zayn who quickly pulls the referee in front of him before ducking out of the ring. Ciampa quickly ducks out of the opposite side of the ring in pursuit. Sami runs round the ring unknowingly towards Ciampa and when he clocks him he quickly turns to run the other way only to be wiped out by a Spinning Backfist from 'The Mad King'. Sami is splayed out on the floor as Eddie and Ciampa clock eyes from opposite sides of the ring. Both men slowly get up onto the apron, not breaking their gaze as they step between the ropes and meet dead-centre of the ring for a good old fashioned slug-fest!
Ranallo: And we're off to the races here folks, look at them go it's like Don Frye and Takiyama all those years ago in PRIDE!
Graves: With Sami Zayn temporarily out of the picture these two men look to resolve their differences the only way they know how!
Kingston and Ciampa stand bashing each other's heads in until eventually both men fall into the corner and the referee tries to separate them. Kingston, the bigger man, was on top as the referee seperates the two men and as he steps back relinquishing the hold he immediately socks Ciampa right in the mouth dropping him on his rear-end in the corner. Kingston shoves the referee out of the way to get at Ciampa but Ciampa hits Kingston with a quick drop-toe-hold knocking Kingston into the top turnbuckle. Ciampa then quickly pulls himself up and gets himself up onto the top rope. As Kingston falls back holding his face, Ciampa launches off the top rope with a High Knee knocking Kingston to the floor, but the wily veteran uses his wherewithal to roll the outside as Ciampa pops up in pursuit. Unbeknownst to Ciampa, Sami Zayn is back to his feet and has slid into the ring right behind the 'Sicilian Pyschopath'. Sami grabs Ciampa from behind and pulls him back to the centre of the ring and lifts him up into the air, turning him over into the Blue Thunder Bomb!. Sami holds Ciampa down for the cover.
1...
2...
Ciampa kicks out at the count of two. Sami however will not let that deter him as he spots Kingston getting to his feet on the outside. Sami quickly runs and dives through the ropes with a Suicide Dive, catching Kingston round the head and dropping him to the floor with a Tornado DDT!
Graves: This match has started at a hundred miles per hour tonight and Sami Zayn is proving once again why he is the Forever Champion!
Ranallo: For all his nauseating personality, you can't deny Sami Zayn's wrestling credentials when it comes to pure in-ring talent.
Sami pops up and rolls Kingston into the ring for a quick cover.
1..
2...
Ciampa breaks up the count grabbing Sami by the hair and beard and forcing him into the corner where he lays waste to his chest with a series of knife edged chops before pulling him out for a Short-Arm Clothesline just about taking the red-haired head off of Zayn's shoulders. Ciampa covers.
1...
2...
NO!, this time it's Kingston who breaks up the count grabbing Ciampa now by the beard and forcing him into the corner where Eddie now unloads with a series of strikes. Eddie lays several chops into the chest of Ciampa before going for a big strike to the head but Ciampa ducks under and pivots Kingston now into the corner. Ciampa lays a stiff European Uppercut onto Eddie before hoisting him up onto the top turnbuckle. Ciampa then climbs the ropes and is seemingly looking for a Superplex but Sami Zayn is now back to his feet and runs up behind Ciampa with a clubbing blow to the back. Sami Zayn then ducks under the legs of Ciampa and lifts him out from the corner in a Powerbomb position and walks forwards before turning over and running at the corner where Kingston is and throwing Ciampa with a Buckle Bomb both into the corner and into Kingston knocking Kingston to the outside in a horrible spill and knocking Ciampa down to the mat below. Sami drags Ciampa away from the corner and to the centre of the ring where he covers him.
1...
2...
NO, Ciampa rolls the shoulder out at the referee's count of two as Sami, perhaps frustrated grabs Ciampa by the beard and just starts laying into him on the mat with strikes to the head.
Phillips: This frenetic pace suits opportunists like Sami Zayn who was a whisker away from being next in line to the UWF Championship opportunity.
Graves: Some call him an opportunist, I call it genius, Sami Zayn knows what it takes to come away with a win and he's going to do everything he can to do just that.
Sami Zayn stands up, taking Ciampa with him but Ciampa is fighting back hitting Zayn with some shots the mid-section before rallying with a right hand to the head. Ciampa knocks Zayn back with this strike before knocking Zayn through the ropes with a Headbutt!. Zayn falls backwards through the middle ropes and splats on the floor. Ciampa steps out onto the ring apron and beckons for Zayn to get to his feet. Ciampa is measuring him for a High Knee. Once Zayn stumbles to his feet Ciampa makes his move but from out of nowhere comes Kingston who catches Ciampa out of the air and throws him overhead into the barricade with an Exploder Suplex!. Ciampa falls in a crumpled heap as Kingston quickly gets to his as Zayn approaches him almost drunkenly. Kingston quickly backs Zayn off with a knife-edged chop to the neck before 'The Mad King' grabs Zayn taking him by the arm and careering him across the outside ring mats and into the cold hard steel of the ring steps. Zayn goes flying over them once again landing in a heap as Kingston stands up and cracks his neck smiling ear to ear as he takes over the match-up.
Ranallo: And now with Ciampa and Zayn at the wayside, Eddie Kingston looks to take control of the match.
Graves: Sami Zayn and Tommaso Ciampa are laying right now in Eddie's playground on the outside, and with Triple Threat rules in place, that means anything goes and nothing is off limits for 'The Mad King'.
Kingston stalks Zayn around ringside, choruses of 'Fuck him up Eddie, Fuck him up!' reign down from the crowd as Kingston takes the top layer of the steel steps. He waits for Zayn to slowly get to his feet before he smacks Zayn with them propelling Zayn backwards onto the foot of the entrance way. Kingston then drops the steps and grabs Zayn by the head and neck. Kingston looks around at the crowd with a sick smile on his face before he hooks Zayn around the head and neck and raises him into the air before dropping him down across the cold steel with a Urinage!. Zayn yelps in pain holding his back as he slides off of the steel and onto the ring mats. Kingston stands over the fallen Forever Champion and bad-mouths him before he turns his attention to Ciampa who is back to his feet holding onto the ringside barricade.
Ranallo: MAMA MIA, what impact across the unforgiving steel steps!
Phillips: This is smart from Kingston, eliminate one opponent and it becomes a one on one affair with better odds for Eddie Kingston.
Kingston meets Ciampa at ringside and immediately takes control bashing Ciampa's chrome-dome off of the barricade before taking Ciampa and with an Irish Whip, launching the former Intercontinental Champion into the steel ring post. Eddie knows full well there's no count outs and no disqualifications and so he immediately goes over the the announce desk and starts wrecking the place. He takes off the protective covering and lifts out on of the little TV monitors which he holds high as he threatens Ciampa. Ciampa struggles to his feet using the ring apron as an aide. Kingston waits for Ciampa to turn round before going on the offensive but Ciampa has enough about him to see it coming his way and he drops down kicking out the legs of an onrushing Eddie Kingston who goes head first into the hardest part of the ring, the outside rim of the apron. Ciampa then steps up onto the apron himself and looks down at Kingston before hoisting him up with him. Ciampa grabs Kingston around the head and is looking for the Ciampa Cutter but Kingston fends him off shoving him forward but Ciampa keeps his footing. Kingston goes to lunge at Ciampa but Ciampa is quick ducking under Kingston and when Kingston turns back around Ciampa hits him with a Superkick. Kingston falls into Ciampa who quickly lifts him over head and almost in one fell motion he drops back smashing Kingston back-first into the outside of the ring apron with the Over the Shoulder Belly to Back Piledriver!. All three men are now down on the outside but it's Ciampa who is seemingly now in control, sitting up and smiling as the crowd begin to roar him on.
Ranallo: He hasn't always been a crowd favourite gentlemen, but he's seemingly turned a new page - funnily enough - since forming a sort of mentorship with Diamond Dallas Page.
Phillips: DDP has spoken of the metamorphosis of Tommaso Ciampa, how much better he has become and will become and I think the crowd are beginning to see it now.
Ciampa gets himself up and rolls Kingston into the ring. Ciampa drags Kingston to the centre of the ring and raises him up before trying to hook both arms in a Double Underhook. Eddie fights, fending off Ciampa and getting himself free before he goes for a Spinning Backfist which Ciampa ducks under, Kingston spins in a 360 before Ciampa kicks him in the gut, hooks both arms and lifts Kingston up before smashing him into the mat with the Fairy Tale Ending!. Ciampa rolls Kingston over for the cover.
1...
2...
NO!, from seemingly nowhere Sami Zayn has remerged and has pulled the referee out of the ring. Ciampa looks around wondering why he hasn't yet heard the count of three. Kingston rolls his shoulder out regardless seemingly well after the three but we'll never know as the referee admoinishes Sami on the outside. Ciampa is livid and is straight to his feet he runs off the ropes and goes to dive to the outside onto Zayn but from nowhere Zayn pulls out his Forever Championship and catches Ciampa as he comes through the ropes right over the head with it leaving Ciampa half in the ring and half out Zayn stumbles back to his feet tapping his head as if to say he is the most intelligent man alive. All whilst whincing and holding onto his back. Zayn rolls into the ring and tosses Ciampa out of the ring proper as he waits on Kingston getting to his feet. Kingston stumbles into the corner and as he does Sami Zayn runs at him and obliterates him with the Helluva Kick!. Kingston falls to the mat as Zayn goes to cover... but as a product of his own genius the referee is still down and Sami looks on in disbelief!
Ranallo: It should be over!, it should be over right now but Sami Zayn's own tricks have come back to bit him right on the ass and it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy!
Graves: Why is the referee still down anyway, Zayn barely touched him!, we should be calling Sami Zayn the new number one contender!.
Sami is still gobsmacked as he looks down at Kingston and down at the referee. Zayn slaps the mat in frustration and rolls out to the outside to grab the referee. Sami grabs the referee by the shirt and berates him saying he cost him the match, Sami then rolls the referee into the ring and tells him to get ready to do his job like he's supposed to. Zayn then grabs Tommaso Ciampa who is sporting a crimson mask from the impact of the Forever Championship belt off of the top of his skull. This doesn't deter Zayn whoever who is like a man posessed. Zayn rolls Ciampa into the ring and very carefully hoists him into the corner. Ciampa is still dazed and groggy, bleeding from the head. Zayn steps back and points to Ciampa, tells the ref get ready to count and runs at him looking for the Helluva Kick but Ciampa slips out of the way, seemingly from exhaustion. Sami runs straight into the corner and as he turns around Ciampa is waiting locked and loaded to drop Zayn into the mat below with a crushing Ciampa Cutter out of nowhere! Ciampa rolls over on top of the fallen Zayn as the referee begins to count.
1...
2....
...3!
WINNER AND NEW NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE UWF CHAMPIONSHIP: TOMMASO CIAMPA!
Ciampa rolls off of Zayn just as Kingston tries to pull himself up onto the apron but to no avail as the bell sounds. Kingston falls to the floor in despondenment as Ciampa raises his hands in the air in victory. The referee helps Ciampa to his feet. Diamond Dallas Page has come out from behind the curtain and down to the ring clapping his hands as his new protege gets the job done. DDP raises Ciampa's hand high in the air as the crowd roar their approval.
Ranallo: Ladies and gentlemen this is a new and improved Tommaso Ciampa, he just outlasted Sami Zayn and a very game Eddie Kingston and now he has his sights firmly set on becoming the next UWF Champion.
Graves: Whether his name be Shark Boy or Edge, I don't think any of them want a piece of this refocused Ciampa!
DDP and Ciampa both do the big BANG! in the middle of the ring as the crowd continue to cheer before we go elsewhere.
The titantron switches from the UWF Slammiversary graphic to a live feed from backstage. Kyle O'Reilly and his step-sister Bayley are shown in the locker room. She's wearing hand pads and he's practicing his punching combos, working up a sweat before the big match tonight. The "Good Guy" is getting him in the zone with some tough love.
Bayley: Come on, Kyle! Yu gotta get angry! You gotta get meeeeeeeeeeeeeeean! That's the only way you can play!
BAM! POP! WAGOOSH! The Diabetic Dragon throws a deadly little one-two-three at the pads. Bayley still isn't satisfied.
Bayley: You call that punching! Puh-lease! I need more! Let's go! Hit me like you're the forty-percent of police officers accused of domestic violence! None of this softy bullshit.
O'Reilly really lays in now. Even so, Bayley wants more.
Bayley: You wanna win that Hollywood Championship, don't you? Well, remember what Batista did to us at the premiere of PUMPED? Remember what he said about the Fast Franchise? You gotta be faster! You gotta be furiouser!
Kyle nods, speaking between heavy pants.
KO'R: Got it... 2 Fast... 2 Furious...
Bayley shakes her head.
Bayley: Not good enough!
KO'R: Okay... 3 Fast... 3 Fur -
Bayley: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
The Human Swiss Army Knife pours it all out now.
KO'R: OKAY THEN. 9 FAST. 11 FURIOUS.
Kyle uncorks a combo not so unlike Akuma's Shun Goku Satsu, backing up his step-sister a few steps when he lands the final blow. With that, he finally gets himself a nod of acceptance.
Bayley: Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
Off-camera, another wrestler can be heard coming through the door into the locker room.
Anonymous, Unseen Wrestler: Hey, this is the men's locker room. Chicks aren't supposed to be -
The Doctor of Huganomics isnt hearing it.
Bayley: Scram, ya pleb. The O'Reilly's shit standing up! We can hang out wherever we want!
That scares him off. Bayley puts up the pads again.
Bayley: Alright Kyle, let's go! Show me that three piece and a diet soda!
The Diabetic Draon starts working the mitts again as the scene fades out. Slammiversary rolls on!
A lion synthethetic violion whispers through the air like a pretodactyl screech. Soon, a breakbeat ripples beneath. Strobe lights illuminate the entrance way. When the riff kicks in, it heralds the arrival of the Diabetic Dragon. Kyle O'Reilly storms out on to the ramp, fists and jaw clenched, looking like the quiet kid on a bad day while his step-sister Bayley follows close behind. He does some shadow boxing at the head of the ramp while Tony announces his stats.
Chimel: Being accompanied to the ring by Bayley, from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada... weighing in at 200 pounds... Kyle O'Reilly!
Our beloved Canuck's pace is in lock-step with the groove en route to the squared circle. The fans in the arena born on the good side of 9/11 know the words and can't help but sing along when the chorus drops. Feeding off that energy, Kyle is spiritually compelled to shred some air guitar as he steps through the ropes to compete. He rocks the heck out with the UWF Universe before getting ready to friggin fight. Bayley, meanwhile, lurks and lingers on the fringe of the squared circle, ready to fight dirty if it comes to that.
As, “Sasquatch” by Ice Cube begins to play, the UWF fans immediately begin to boo as they know who the theme music belongs to and who they’re inevitably about to have to look at. Not missing a beat, out walks Batista with the Hollywood Championship proudly on him as he makes his way down the ramp to the ring.
Tony Chimel: From Washington, D.C. Weighing in at two hundred and ninety pounds. He is the reigning Hollywood Champion and the leader of The Guild, the, “Hollywood Animal”, BAATIIISSSSTTTTAAAA!!!
Batista goes to the nearest turnbuckle and ascends it, using the opportunity to show off the belt once more before stepping down and getting ready for the match ahead.
VS
DING DING DING
Mauro Ranallo: A reminder that this is for the Hollywood Championship.
Corey Graves: I don't care what crap Kyle puts out. He could have made Jaws for all I care, he's not fit to hold the Hollywood Championship.
Tom Phillips: Sounds like someone doesn't have much faith in Batista retaining.
Corey Graves: I don't have much faith in not strangling you by the time the night's over.
Kyle runs right at Batista and gives him a Dropkick in the corner! He pops back to his feet and just starts striking away at him, punching him anywhere and everywhere. Batista gives him a big shove and Kyle goes flying backwards but rolls back up to his feet. He runs back at him and jumps into the air but Batista catches him and turns around, seating him on the top rope. Kyle is fighting back but just a few big punches daze him. Batista decides he's gonna make him suffer as he goes up to the middle rope and prepares for a Superplex! Bayley is at ringside and she yells are kinds of dastardly words like jerkface, big oaf and even squirrel nuts. That last one seems to get at Big Dave. Maybe telling of his little Dave? Either way Kyle Headbutts him while he's distracted and he falls down to the mat. Kyle jumps off and delivers a Knee Drop right to that Hollywood face! Batista's lucky that unlike Miz, his face isn't the money maker. O'Reilly makes the pin!
1 . . .
2 . . .
But the Hollywood Champion kicks out! Kyle knows it's best to keep Batista grounded but the Hollywood Animal rolls over right away to try and get back up. Kyle gets him in a Front Headlock and sprawls out his feet to give him a wide base. Batista is powerful enough to fight through this though and so Kyle starts driving his knees up into the top of Batista's head. This seems to stun him a bit until he simply grabs a hold of Kyle and rolls with him to the ropes where the ref makes him let go. Kyle keeps his arms around his head until the ref counts to 4 and he breaks the hold. As he's get to his feet, he gives Batista a kick right to the side of the head! The so called third man gets on him for this but Kyle just puts his hands up like he didn't do anything.
Corey Graves: Look at this loser taking cheap shots. A real man would fight fairly.
Mauro Ranallo: Well he did say he was going to murder him so I think he could have expected this.
Corey Graves: There's only been one murder in UWF and thankfully he's long gone. Know you sent him packing? That man in the ring right there. He did what Kyle never could.
Tom Phillips: I think it as just a one off appearance in a Royal Rumble but sure.
Batista gets up looking angry AF. He charges Kyle but ends up getting Dropkicked in the knee and he goes down once again. Kyle comes up behind him and wraps him up in the Bramble Scramble! He gives him elbow strikes to the ribs and even grinds them in as if trying to shove his whole elbow into the rib cage. You can see the pain on Batista's face but he digs down deep and slowly brings himself and Kyle to the ropes to break the hold! Kyle let's go at 3 this time, progress. But he still Dropkick's Dave and he goes tumbling out of the ring.
The Miz and Goldust rush over to keep him safe but Kyle ain't got time for that nonsense. He climbs to the top rope and while they're all busy, he jumps off with a Crossbody! Batista manages to move out of the way just in time but Goldust and Miz get taken out. Batista walks along the side of the ring to get away but he runs right into a fast talkin' girl with a give no heck attitude. She crosses her arms in front of him and dares him to try and get past her. He easily does as she can't really touch him or risk a dq so cool visual but not effective in the least. Kyle comes running over and gives him a running Forearm to the back of the head! He takes Batista and throws him back into the ring!
Kyle slides in right after him and watches as the big man tries to get to his feet. O'Reilly gives him an Ax Kick to the back of the head followed up by a Rolling Forearm Smash for the Ax and Smash Combination! Batista is knocked back down but he refuses to stay down. Kyle jumps on him and goes into a full mount where he starts Palm Striking the shit out of him. Batista is able to use his power to push Kyle off of him and goes to get back up. O'Reilly comes up behind him and lifts him up for a Back Suplex but transitions into the Murder in the Sky Over Burnaby! He makes the pin!
1 . . .
2 . . .
Batista kicks out!
Mauro Ranallo: Batista has been out-wrestled in this match thus far.
Tom Phillips: Maybe if he had more moves in his profile...
Corey Graves: It's not about how many moves you know, it's about the impact and Batista knows quite a bit about how to make an impact in both Hollywood and the wrestling world.
Kyle goes to pick him up but Batista fights back with some shots to the gut. Kyle delivers a Knee right to his face to stun him and it sends Batista back a few paces into the corner. O'Reilly runs up on him and kicks off for a Tornado DDT! He holds on and rolls back up and tries for the Brainbuster to complete the Halo 2 but Batista is just too much dead weight to get him in the air. He'll have to settle for Halo 1. He instead hooks both arms and is looking for a Butterfly Suplex but Batista rushes forward and backs him into the corner. From there he gives him some Shoulder Thrusts in the corner before walking away, simply trying to put some distance between him and the Diabetic One. Batista runs back at him but Kyle gets th boot up and kicks him in the face. Batista takes a couple of steps back and Kyle runs at him only to get caught with a massive Spinebuster! Batista makes the pin!
1 . . .
Kyle gets the shoulder up right away! All this does is piss the Animal off. Batista grabs him and throws him into the corner. From there he starts giving him a bunch of Standing Clotheslines in the corner, Kyle's face making a new dazed expression with each hit. Big Dave then grabs his head with both hand and simply tosses him across the ring! Batista looks at Bayley and tells her to watch what he's about to do to her brother. He turns Kyle onto his stomach and is about to lock him in the End Credits. As he goes to pull O'Reilly's arm behind his head, Kyle brings his elbow down on his head. He does this over and over until he gets his other arm free and rolls free. He wipes the sweat off his brow, that was a close one. Batista is getting to his feet and so Kyle comes up to him and grabs him at his side, hitting the Insulin Injection! He makes the pin!
1 . . .
2 . . .
Batista kicks out! This time he rolls out of the ring once again and The Miz tries to come in. The ref stops him and Goldust tries to sneak his way in as well but Bayley grabs onto his leg and pulls him back out. Goldie turns around to face her nd ends up getting Bayley to Belly'd! While Miz is arguing with the ref, Kyle comes running over and just boots him in the face to knock him off the apron. He looks back at Batista who is resting by the barricade. He exits the ring to go get him but Batista lifts him up and delivers another Spinebuster, this time on the barricade! Batista picks him up and tosses him back into the ring before he follows him in and makes the pin.
1 . . .
2 . . .
O'Reilly kicks out!
Corey Graves: What'd I tell you, all he needs is just a few moves and he'll be getting closer and closer to victory.
Mauro Ranallo: O'Reilly may have been caught off guard there but the simple fact of the matter is, a varied moveset makes it hard for your opponent to guess what you're going to do next.
Corey Graves: It doesn't matter if he knows what's coming next. The thing is, no one can stop him from doing it. Watch what's about to happen right here.
Batista walks over to the ropes and shakes them. He looks at Bayley with the thumbs up and she yells at him that he better not point them down or else. Batista smiles at her but turns that thang upside down and brings them bad boys down as well. Kyle is getting up and Batista turns around to kick him in the gut. He pulls him in and lifts him up for the Batista Bomb but Kyle starts throwing down Elbows on the top of his opponent's dome. Batista stumbles close to the corner and Kyle re-situates himself on the top. Batista throws a punch at him but Kyle catches the arm and falls back, wrapping his legs around him to lock in a Hanging Armbar! The ref counts to 4 until Kyle finally breaks the hold. Batista retreats to the center of the ring while Kyle stands back up on the apron. He springboards onto the top rope and comes flying in to hit the Game Shark! He moves in for the pin!
1 . . .
2 . . .
Batista kicks out! He turns over and tries to get back up right away. Kyle comes up behind him and goes for the Blue Eyes Diabetic Dragon but Big Dave is too swole to let that shit effect him. He just pushes his arms down and break's through Kyle's grip, giving him an Elbow to the side of the head for good measure. O'Reilly is staggered and Batista lifts him up over his shoulder. Kyle manages to slip behind him and shoves him to the ropes. Batista comes rebounding off and ducks a Big Boot attempt by Kyle. He keeps running and hits the ropes and O'Reilly turns around and walks right into a Spear! Drax just destroyed his insides and Batista makes the pin.
1 . . .
2 . . .
O'Reilly kicks out! Batista takes a page out of O'Reilly's book and mounts him. He starts delivering punches to the face and it's not long before Kyle looks like a bloody mess. The ref has to threaten a dq if he doesn't stop so Batista gets to his feet and gets away as the ref checks on Kyle.
Corey Graves: That should be referee stoppage right there. The Hollywood Champion retains!
Mauro Ranallo: It's all about a person's well being first and foremost.
Corey Graves: If that were true, the ref wouldn't allow anyone to step in the ring with The Animal.
Kyle shoves the ref away and gets back to his feet. He's on jell-o legs wobbling around but he's staying upright and puts his dukes up, yelling for Batista to bring the fight to him. Batista runs forward with a Clothesline but O'Reilly ducks it and grabs onto his waist, popping them hips for a German Suplex! Kyle is fired up and the crowd is fully behind him as he wipes the blood from his eyes and points at Batista. The Hollywood Champion gets to his feet and Kyle comes charing in with the Harpoon Torpedo! Batista is laid out and Kyle rolls over onto him for the cover!
1 . . .
2 . . .
Another kickout from Batista! Kyle just can't keep the Animal down but even worse, he's feeling a bit sluggish. His blood sugar looks to be plummeting but Bayley luckily stashed an OJ under the ring. She goes to grab it but Goldust is under the ring and he snatches it away and crawls back in! Bayley is losing her mind and she asks the crowd for something. A kid in the front row has a candy bar and the Good Guy asks if she can have it. The kid gives it to her and she opens it and slides it into the ring to her bro.
Corey Graves: Ugh that candy bar just got covered in sweat and dirt from people's boots.
Mauro Ranallo: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Corey Graves: I guess that's why the so called "Good Guy" just stole candy from a child.
Tom Phillips: She asked politely and it was given to her.
Corey Graves: Remind me to politely ask for your wallet later.
Kyle chomps down on the chocolate bar and gets a rush of adrenaline. He gets to his feet and looks crazed. This is not at all how diabetes works but who cares, this is entertainment! He puts his hands to his mouth and honors the late great Jason David Frank as he begins to summon the Dragonzord! The crowd sings along the iconic song, some people openly weeping in the crowd. He comes up behind Batista and once again goes for the Blue Eyes Diabetic Dragon but that rat bastard piece of no good ugly shit for brains simply shoots his backside out to to bump Kyle off of him. No gay panic from Big Dave, he works in Hollywood after all. Batista scoops Kyle up for a simple Bodyslam like the simple little bitch he is for stopping that tribute. He flexes at the crowd but Kyle swings around and kicks his legs out from under him with a Mortal Kombat-esque leg sweep.
O'Reilly stands up and starts stomping down on the Animal, trying to stomp him through the mat. Batista puts his hands up to try and stop it but Kyle grabs one of his outreached hands and wraps his leg around it, dropping to the mat for the Vanilla Bar! Batista is quick to lock his hands together but Kyle starts throwing kicks down on his face to break the grip. Batista fights through these hits and rolls over to put Kyle's shoulders to the mat!
1 . . .
2 . . .
Kyle maneuvers just enough to get a shoulder off the mat but he still manages to have the hold locked in. Batista crawls over his legs to put his foot on the bottom rope. The ref calls for Kyle to break the hold but he doesn't let up. He counts to 4 and Bayley comes over and pushes Batista's foot off the ropes. The ref goes to throw her out of the match but The Miz comes over and decks her before he can do anything. Batista meanwhile says fuck it, he'll do it himself. He stands up and Kyle is hanging upside down off his arm. Batista just uses his strength to hoist him up and sit out into the Batista Bomb! He does that weird roll back because he can't fully bend in the middle for some reason and makes the pin.
1 . . .
2 . . .
3 . . .
But no! Kyle kicks out just in time! Big phew. Kyle has seen Never Back Down and if that guy could do it, so can he. Batista rolls him over and gets situated for the End credits once again but Kyle squirms free and rolls to the ropes. He pulls himself up with them and Batista runs at him. O'Reilly gets a boot up and clobbers him in the shoulder. Batista grabs the arm, the same one he just had in the Cross Armbar. Kyle runs at him and this time locks in a Flying Vanilla Bar! He's able to flips Batista over and fully extend the arm!
Tom Phillips: This is it! We're going to have ourselves a new Hollywood Champion!
Corey Graves: Don't get ahead of yourself, He got out of this once, he'll do it again!
Batista looks like he might tap this time. The pain would be unbearable for a normal man but Big Dave is not a normal man. He fights through the pain and once again manages to roll up to his knees. He lifts Kyle up once more but this time Kyle transitions to throwing elbows to the top of his head. Batista ends up falling backwards and Kyle lands on top of him like a seated senton. Kyle readjusts and pins Batista's arms with his knees and just starts punching him in the face. Blood retribution for when he did the same thing. The ref comes over and tries to stop him, counting to 4 but Kyle has no intentions of stopping. He said he was going to murder him and bah gawd he wants to do it. All he sees is red and it's not just the blood that comes pouring out of the Hollywood Animal's face. The ref has frequently warned Kyle throughout this whole match and has no choice but to call for the bell.
Tony Chimel: Here is your winner by disqualification, Batista!
Kyle isn't letting up but Miz and Goldust come in and tackle him. Kyle fights back but after a slugfest of a match he's getting overpowered. His step-sister Bayley comes in to even the odds and The Guild retreat and roll Batista out of the ring. They grab the Hollywood Championship and parade it, showing Kyle that he failed to win it off of their leading man. O'Reilly seems to come to his sense and realizes that he didn't win the title. He look a little disappointed in himself but Bayley is there to lift his spirits as the show moves on.
Coming back to the ring from that last segment, we see that it's been decked out for a wedding ceremony! A beautiful carpet has been sprawled out over the canvas. There's an adorable little alter set up on one end with some stunning flower arrangements, and a small gathering of friends and family seated in chairs around it.
Ranallo: Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a brief reprieve from the wrestling action to bring you a very special ceremony. In the UWF's eleven-year history, we've had the pleasure of seeing the company host a Gay Wedding, but never a Normal one. Tonight, we're thrilled to invite you join in celebrating the holy matrimony of "The War Machine" Rhino and Dirt Sheet Gossip Columnist, Yikes Carumba.
Graves: Why is this is happening? None of these people even work here anymore. Rhino's the kind of guy who should consider himself lucky to get a phone call to show up for the Rumble last-minute.
Phillips: That's a former Mr. Money in the Bank you're talking about, Corey. And from what I understand, EC3 has donated the time and space for this ceremony as part of a settlement package with Yikes' lawyer after an unfortunate incident with Jeremy Piven at Summerfest... er... I mean, Summerslam.
Rhino's side of the aisle is filled with aunts and uncles and old buddies, whereas Yikes' side has some more suspect characters. Among them are her co-workers in the field of sports journalism - Moondog LeCavlier, Jaytherious J. Jones and Scoops McCallahan. They're whispering among themselves ahead of the event proper.
LeCavlier: Alright. Be on the look out. Remember what Yikes said - Palmer Canon was the first to RSVP. Nobody's seen or heard from him since Wrestlemania when he disappeared after being implicated in a conspiracy to take out the Invisible Man alongside Invisible Stan.
Jones: Even with this monumental hangover, my bloodshot eyes are peeled.
McCallahan: Gotta have that hair of the dog, greenhorn. If you're not day-drinking at a wedding, you're doing it wrong.
Scoops takes a swig from a flask then glances around out of habit, eyeing up the other guests. One in particular catches her attention.
McCallahan: Hey... check out that guy over there. Is that?
Moondog looks for himself. His eyebrows raise over the brim of his aviators. The hairs in is moustache tingle
LeCavlier: It can't be...
J.J. clocks the fella as well.
Jones: I think it is... psssst... hey... Canon? Is that you you son of a bitch?
The main in question turns to face them.
Chesapeake: How you doin'? Name's Dougie Chesapeake. I work a beat in Chicahhhgo. Chi-town. I like haht wings and hahtter women. And that's all there is to say about a regulah kinda guy like me... Dougie Chesapeake.
LeCavlier: You're not fooling anyone, Palmer. Those cheap shades can't hide your lying eyes, and the moustache is clearly a fake.
Jones: Where have you even been for the past eight months?
Chesapeake: Aha. You guys kill me. But clearhly this is a case of mistahken iden'ity. See, I'm Dougie Chesapeake. From Chicahhhhhgo. I enjoy the collected works of the comedic genius John Candy and I'm pah-shal to local sports organizations. Such as the Bears. Now if you'll excuse me -
He tries to turn back around but they're not letting him off the hook.
McCallahan: Listen you pencil-necked pencil dick - I've got you dead to rights guilty in the case of the missing Invisible Man, so why don't you just play nice and give up the act now and this won't have to get ugly.
Chesapeake: Miss, yah very fawhwahd. But yah're ahlso mahstahkahn. Cause me? I'm Dougie Chesapeake, and I was bahn and raised in the great state of Illahnois, specificahhly the city of Chicahhhhhwhwhwhwgo.
LeCalvier: Enough with the Great Lakes accent, you scumbag! Tell us -
The conversation gets cut off by the arrival of the groom.
As “Boilermaker” by Royal Blood, the theme the two men used when they were The Will, begins to play the fans and wedding guests are on their feet as they anticipate the arrival of the, “One Man Band” and the, “War Machine”. They don’t have to wait long as both men come strutting out together looking dapper and happy as they make their way down the aisle, stopping to each hug one of the guests on Rhino’s side: 2022 UWF Character Hall of Famer AJ Styles.
Graves: The, “Phenomenal One” is in the house, boys!
Following the touching reunion, Heath and Rhino continue their way down the aisle and enter the ring, taking their rightful places.
The War Machine's arrival at the altar draws attention to the fact that the man presiding over this ceremony is Jake "The Snake" Roberts, of all people.
Graves: Huh... is Jake like an uncle or a family friend or something?
Ranallo: I really don't think so, Corey.
Phillips: Not everything makes sense.
Graves: See, cause like, I would've thought Brother Love.
Ranallo: Didn't Vinny Marseglia kill him at the last one?
Jake the Snake shakes hands with the Groom and his best man, Heath. Everyone then turns their attention back up the ramp to await the arrival of the Bride...
Yikes Carumba walks out and no Bride has ever been prettier. She's like an Angel from Heaven who skydived down to Earth. The fans all stand and cheer and applaud as she comes down the ramp, a tear in her eye.
Ranallo: Simply stunning. What a beautiful moment.
Graves: Are those new glasses?
Phillips: I don't know, but those braces are looking fresh!
Ranallo: I see they've chosen snowfall white and royal purple for their colours. I would have thought black and white and red all over, given Yikes' profession.
Graves: Please. Please. Stop. Please. I'm begging you. It's been like seven years of this. I need you to stop.
Yikes's Maid of Honor is following right behind, smoking a cigarette. Moondog is the first to recognize her.
LeCavlier: Oh my God, do you see who here Maid of Honor is? That's Creeps Soszynski, the Polish propaganda journalist.
Jones: She'll print anything for the right price. I wonder how they know each other?
McCallahan: The first time I met her, you know what she told me? She said "You use pen and ink - I write my stories in blood with switchblade, little girl."
Rhino comes over and hold the ropes open like a gentleman so that Yikes can step through. He then walks her down the aisle and takes his place beside her at the Altar.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Slammiversary and the wedding of the future Mr. and Mrs., umm…well…Rhino, I guess. The kid’s never had a kayfabe last name. It is my honor and privilege to be here and, as a sober man, tell that open bar to kiss my ass!
The crowd pops.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts: Sorry, sorry, I probably shouldn’t curse even at a wrestling wedding. Now, let’s start with the vows. Ladies first.
Carumba: Rhino, my love, I…
Suddenly Yikes stops and those that know know immediately what’s going on. Her braces are tingling which means there’s a RUMOR coming on!
Carumba: DID YOU KNOW THAT TOMASSO CIAMPA HAS A FAKE BEARD? HE’S JUST SO ANGRY LOOKING THAT NO ONE DARES TO PULL IT OFF! AND DDP…
Jake “The Snake” Roberts: Alright, I’m not going to let you badmouth my Snake Bite Syndicate brother and the man that saved my life years ago, little lady. Not to steal from Wade Barrett but let’s have some decorum, please. Rhino, you’re up.
Rhino: Gore.
Slater: Rhino says, “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
Jake “The Snake” Roberts: You got all that from, “Gore”?
Slater nods.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts: Alright then. Can I now have the rings?
Heath and Creeps present their respective rings to Jake as he hands them to the bride and groom, Yikes putting Rhino’s on him and Rhino putting Yikes’ on her.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts: Do we have anyone here that believes these two should not be wed? Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Suddenly Dolph Ziggler comes scrambling into the aisle.
Dolph Ziggler: IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME!
As a blubbering Ziggler is apprehended by security, the ceremony continues.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you..
Just as Jake the Snake is about to pronounce them husband and wife, Jones spots something amiss. A flutter in the air, like heat waves off a desert highway at high noon in July. He nods in that direction. Moondog sees it too - it's like if the wind had a personality. Scoops can smell it - can smell HIM.
It's clearly Invisible Stan! He's heading for the altar!
Moondog whispers to his pals.
LeCavlier: I don't care how freaky Yikes is, we can't let Invisible Stan ruin this night for her.
Jones: Desperate times, desperate measures...
J.J. and Moondog bolt out of there chairs and run to stop Invisible Stan before its too late. Nobody else has even noticed him yet. Thank goodness they were paying attention. They're always reading between the lines.
Folks gasp as the tandem of journalists rush the front. Jones dives at Invisible Stan but that slippery snake steps out of the way just in time, so he misses, crashes into Jake the Snake Roberts, and knocks down the altar with him. Moondog shoves Rhino's sweet Grandmother out of her chair so he can use it to take a swing at the unseen intruder. Invisible Stan ducks. Fortunately, the chair comes just shy of hitting Yikes Carumba, but as she flails in terror, the wedding ring flies off of her finger and disappears into the crowd, never to be seen again.
Invisible Stan hightails it out of there, jumping through the ropes and running off up the ramp.
Jones: Quick! Somebody stop that menace!
LeCavlier: He's trying to ruin the whole wedding!
What the boys fail to realize is that the wedding has been ruined, and as far as anyone else can tell, it was all their doing. Jaytherious turns around to rally the troops into a mob to hunt down Invisible Stan. What he gets instead is an infuriated GORE! from the Groom that damn near breaks him in half.
Moondog looks on in shock, then Slater grabs his head and drops him with a Smash Hit right next to his partner. There's a lot of awkward murmuring from the people now as the dust settles.
Graves: I don't know what the hell just happened, but I can tell you I'm not surprised. Classic in-ring wedding. In my opinion, they were asking for this all along.
Ranallo: Oh don't be so heartless, Corey. Clearly Invisible Stan orchestrated this whole mess! He belongs in prison!
Phillips: Why is everyone wearing sunglasses?
Moondog and J.J. roll out of the ring to moan in pain on the floor. Dougie Chesapeake has vanished into the night. Creeps Soszynski lights up another cigarette - this is bad, but lord knows, she's seen worse. Scoops McCallahan sighs and goes to check on the boys.
Rhino, meanwhile brushes through the concerned friends and family comforting Yikes. He lifts her up in his arms, whispers a sweet "GORE" in her ears, then plants a smooch on those braces as the sold-out crowd explodes into celebratory cheers! As far as they're concerned, this wedding was more or less a success.
The War Machine carries off his new Bride up the ramp with Heath Slater and Creeps Soszynski and all their other pals clapping in the ring. Slammiversary rolls on!
They made a Saint Seiya movie for some reason.
DING DING!
Tony Chimel: The following contest is for the UWF Championship and it is a Throw in the Towel match! Introducing first…
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME
A familiar phrase echoes throughout the arena, leading into the opening bassline of Headlong Flight by Rush and with it, a chorus of boos. However, as each instrument joins into the song, smoke begins to fill the stage and before long, a figure walks out from behind the stage into the smoke. No bounding from one side to the other, Edge moves slowly, like a predator taking in his surroundings in order to best pounce on his prey. The crowd is not shy with their disdain for the Ultimate Opportunist, showering him in boos as he stalks down the ramp. Halfway down, he pauses, crouching low, his face contorting as he bares his fangs and in one motion, uncoils upwards, his hands held high with devil horns as pyro explodes behind him.
As the pyro finishes exploding, Edge slowly brings his head back to level and walks towards the ring. Only a few steps away, he runs and slides into the ring and as he moves towards a turnbuckle to pose and soak in more hate and boos, the ring announcer chimes in.
Tony Chimel
Hailing from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 240 pounds. He is the Ultimate Opportunist, Edge!
Tony Chimel: And the opponent…
GIVE ME A SHELL YEAH!
The raw guitar driven sound of Accept's 'Fast as a Shark' hits the PA system and the crowd begin to go wild. Shark Boy marches out onto the stage full of piss and vinegar, he's mouthing off at anyone and everyone. Shark Boy wastes no time storming down to ringside his eyes fixed on the task in hand his head bobbing side to side as he jaw jacks on his way to ringside as waves of fans reach out to their favourite masked man.
Tony Chimmel: Introducing, from the Deep Blue Sea, weighing in at 205 pounds... SHARK BOY!
Shark Boy stomps up the steps and through the ropes into the ring, he makes a b-line for the corner where he heads to the top rope and throws out the fin-salute to the crowd before throwing his two fists high into the air for all the Shark-o-holics out there. Shark Boy repeats this at the three other corners before taking off his vest and waiting for the bell to sound.
DING DING!
As the ring bell sounds, Shark Boy charges Edge, who gets his leg up and drops his opponent with a Big Boot as Shark Boy lays there for a moment, his bell clearly rung as daze is clearly swimming through his head. After a moment of looking far off and out of it, it seems to click with Shark Boy exactly who the shell he is and now he’s flopping mad, like a fish out of water that’s furious about its predicament instead of helpless, as he climbs back to a vertical base and takes exception to the exchange that just put him on his bass as he points at Edge in a Hulk Hogan way but instead of hulking up he just walks over and slaps him across the left side of his face, then winds back and absolutely wallops Edge on the follow through as he brings the back of his hand across the right side of the face, the sound of the impact audible and the gesture itself dripping with both revenge and disrespect as well as having some good old fashioned stank on it. As Edge’s head rocks with the backhand, he stays facing that direction for a moment, a smirk appearing on his face as he gradually turns to look at the man that did it.
Once the two make eye contact, the jaw jacking begins with Edge pointing to the right side of his face, asking Shark Boy how he could dare strike the beautiful Canadian visage that is his face while also barking that it was nothing, asking him if that’s all he’s got. It’s weird and it’s contradictory but that’s a heel for you. Sharky responds with a double salute and I’m not talking about putting either of his hands to either of his temples, gentlemen, he keeps the disrespect coming by giving Edge the, “you’re number one” gesture with both hands. That’s right, Mister, “Don’t Bassk Me Where Lava Girl Is” has his middle fingers stuck in the air like Petey Pablo told him to raise them up and he’s about to spin them around like a helicopter.(It’s okay, you probably don’t get that reference if you aren’t an old head.) Edge looks appalled, which is weird because his name is Adam, but then starts laughing in regards to the gesture, Shark Boy unflinching. Edge then goes for another Big Boot but it gets sidestepped. There’s not a lot of time that passes between it getting avoided and the follow-up however, like someone taking a swipe at an annoying fly with their hand, as Edge turns but as he does, he opens himself up but it’s not a blade job I’m talking about, I’m talking about Sharkzilla throwing a kick in his direction. But the man once known as Conquistador Uno(four years before there was Player Uno) sees the kick coming(that’s the power of Ultra Edgestinct) and catches the leg, effectively putting the kibosh on what was no doubt an attempted Chummer as he spins his opponent around and, once Sharkington’s back is to him, he kicks him in the kidneys before grabbing him around the neck and bending him back before planting him with a Scorpion Death Drop.
Tom Phillips: That’s an interesting choice of maneuver.
Mauro Ranallo: Who knows what the motivation was. Could’ve been to honor Sting, could’ve been to screw with Sting.
Corey Graves: Or maybe, just maybe, he used it because it was effective and it has nothing to do with Sting! Just a thought.
Edge reaches down with both hands now, seizing the neck of his opposition and grabbing him, hoisting him upward and setting him on his feet in one quick motion before taking him back off of his feet with a Clothesline that would make Stan Hansen take notice, JBL blush, and Ryback tie the Royal Rumble with The Great Khali. Why? Well, the year was…oh, the Clothesline, you mean. Could be to flaunt the size difference between them knocking Sharky down immediately after putting him back on his feet, could be that Edge is just a dick. Whatever the reason, that Boy just ain’t right after taking that hit and daze has washed over him again. Edge takes this opportunity for mockery rather than more offense as he takes a few steps before dropping down and talking trash to Shark Boy ala the, “Texas Rattlesnake” because yo dog, he heard you like Stone Cold impersonations so he’s impersonating an impersonator so you can see impersonating with your impersonating. What is he saying to Sharksworth, you ask? I dunno, he’s too close for the camera to pick it up but it’s probably something about Mountain Dew Frostbite. Anyhoo, the Maple Leaf Main Eventer gets to his feet and gestures towards wrestling’s Jaws with his outstretched arm and open palm as he makes eye contact with Grado and shouts to him, ”It only gets worse from here, Gra-Doh, you should throw in that towel while you can!” before laughing cockily. Grado raises the towel like he’s thinking about it, then pulls it back to reveal he was covering his other hand with it as it can now be seen he’s flipping Edge off as he tells him, because he’s not satisfied with letting it get communicated only non-verbally, ”Go fuck yersel!”
Edge acts like he’s going to come through the ropes at him but then waves him off as he turns his attention back to the man he thinks is still down but quickly finds out isn’t as Sharkly is waiting as he turns, connecting with a Standing Dropkick that takes Edge off of his feet. Edge pops back up, alarm in the expression on his face but no time to process the shock as SCSB is smothering him with offense, peppering him with punches like he’s seasoning the bass whip before serving it. But this is no ordinary bass whip, this is Shark Boyardee and it’s the Overstuffed as the punches quicken in frequency and pick up in intensity. In fact, Sharkmaster is paint brushing with such ferocity it’s like he’s Bob Ross beating the devil out of it. Before you know it, yes you, Sexton is now backed into a corner, doing his best to cover up as the punches keep coming because you wouldn’t walk into a rainstorm without an umbrella or a civil litigation without a lawyer and neither would Mr. Hardcastle. Shark Boy sees this and stops one of his punches about an inch from connecting as Edge opens up his defense and his eyes to take a peek and survey why the onslaught has stopped as Sharky connects with a thumb to the eye using the hand he wasn’t punching with as he now starts stomping a trench in Edge and walking it dry, kicks to the body taking the place of punches as Edge gradually inches closer down to the mat with each kick that connects.
Tom Phillips: Well this is the last place Edge wants to find himself.
Mauro Ranallo: Other than in a dark alley with Sean Morley.
Corey Graves: Mauro with the wit. Am I being Punk’d?
As Edge now finds himself fully seated, Sharknado stops but it’s not because he’s tired or feeling merciful as he grabs Edge and pulls him upward, standing him back up in the corner. He creates a brief distance before, like a Magikarp, connecting with a Splash except, ya know, something actually happened when it connected before resuming stomping the aforementioned trench and removing the trapped moisture with repeated footsteps. It isn’t long before Edge finds himself fully seated as Shark Tale stops stomping, as he did earlier, but this time runs to the diagonal corner and comes running back as he goes for a Bronco Buster but Edge launches himself out of the corner in a way that he returns to a vertical base and catches Shark Boy, managing to run forward and reverse into a Buckle Bomb in the diagonal corner. As the UWF Champion hits, he comes staggering towards Edge as the number one contender hits him in the face with a punch that’s got a little extra tartar sauce on it, putting Shark Boy back in the corner as Edge connects with a Splash of his own and then follows up by grabbing the wrist of his victim and does a forceful Canadian Whip into the nearest corner. It’s the same thing as an Irish Whip but he’s Canadian, you see. Sharky hits the top and middle turnbuckles forcefully as he bounces off from the impact and the secret amusement park aficionado(imagine it, he opens one called Cope Land) brings down the finned fighter he’s facing with an Edge O’ Matic. Edge gets back to a vertical base pretty much instantly, a crazed look in his eyes and on his face. You know the one. As Edger Allen Poe approaches the downed incumbent holder of this great sport’s top prize like he hears the Tell-Tale Heart beating in the floorboards, he lays into him with a elbow drop to the torso.
Sharky B sits up because of the pain and where exactly the elbow connected and Edge grabs him by the shoulders and puts him back on his feet. Like earlier in the match, Edge goes for a Clothesline to put his foe down as quickly as he picked him up but the Man They Call Boy ducks it and heads into the ropes. As he comes off them, the sharp-toothed trash talker goes for the Lou Thesz Press but Edge brings his leg up, kicking the champ in the sternum as Shark Boy drops to the mat, completing the move but with no recipient and no punches being thrown. The, “Deep Blue Bad-Bass” gets up holding his chest as the sometimes actor kicks him in the stomach and brings him down with a Reverse Edge O’ Matic. With Shark Boy down on his face, Edge lays in a stomp to the head. Not a I’m-using-your-book-pages-against-you type stomp, more like a hey-‘member-Rated RKO-you-‘member type stomp. But this isn’t Randy, folks, this is an angry and sadistic former champ that wants to hold the gold again as he lays in another vicious boot to the prone cranium of his foe for the evening, the recipient of the attack flinching with each one he receives, the realization of how much it hurts to have a mud hole stomped in you, especially when it’s as thought out methodically and delivered with such force and precision, Edge intentionally dragging out the time that passes between each one because of wanting to inflict as much discomfort and anguish as possible but also because PSYCHOLOGY!
Tom Phillips: We don’t see the head get targeted much in a match.
Mauro Ranallo: It’s smart because the dizzier he keeps Shark Boy, he keeps the window of opportunity for things like the Chummer closed.
Corey Graves: As long as that mask stays on.
As Edge drives down his foot a third time into the rattled dome of his opponent, a sinister smile creeps across his face as he looks up and over at Grado and points to the towel in his hand. Grado says something Scottish, I don’t know what, but it’s pretty much, ”Go fuck yersel!” again. Edge shrugs like, ‘Have it your way’ but he’s not going to give the little guy a Whopper, folks, he’s going to keep beating up ol’ Sharky as Edge, Edge, n Edgey gives the UWF Chompion(get it?) another stomp to the brain case. As Shark Boy lays there, dazed for the umpteenth time in the match, the man in the ring reeking of awesomeness sprints to the corner and crouches down, hopping in place as he waits for his opponent to get up. As he does, he can be heard singing just loudly enough to be picked up. ”Spear the Shark. Do do do do do do. Spear the Shark. Do do do do do do. Spear the Shark. Do do do do do do. Spear the Shark!” but as he goes for the Spear, Shark Boy leap frogs over him. Sharky and Edge both pivot at the same time as Edge tries to keep the momentum going but Shark Boy takes him down to the mat with a Lou Thesz Press and starts hammering away with punches.
One of Edge’s daughters fears this is a domino effect that’s leading nowhere good as she gets ready to throw in the towel she’s holding but she’s stopped by someone unexpected: Grado! Grado assures the young Copeland that her Daddy still has a lot of fight left and she shouldn’t give up on him just yet. She nods and returns the arm holding the towel to her side. In the ring, Shark Boy gets up to his feet and waits as a dizzy Edge tries to get there too. Sharky is sizing up his opponent for a Chummer but as he goes to throw the kick, he’s suddenly nearly cut in half with a Spear! Edge gets up immediately and points to his temple with a laugh before sprinting in circles around the ring with cries of, ”I Speared the Shark! I Speared the Shark!”.
Tom Phillips: I’m not sure if this is a premature celebration or what to call it.
Mauro Ranallo: It’s certainly Edge-centric behavior. Eh? Eh?
Corey Graves: Cod damnit, Mauro.
Back in the ring, Edge has stopped sprinting and is now crouched down in the corner again, this time imitating the Jaws theme as he motions for his opponent to get up. As Shark Boy gets up, the Edge Express starts barreling down the tracks, then he stops on a dime and delivers an unexpected Headbutt. As the fish-tailed alpha male is dazed by this, the Alter Bridge loving Canuck grabs him by the shoulders and guides him forcefully towards the ropes, tossing him like a bag of groceries over them with no mind to inflation or how hard the landing was going to be for the victim of his malice. Sharky crashes and burns hard as Edge exits the ring and starts walking towards him. Looking like a fish out of water, Shark Boy is on his elbows and knees trying to regain his bearings as Edge grabs him by the shoulders and brings him up enough to deliver a knee straight to his face. The E in E&C continues to bring his opponent upward and then delivers a vicious DDT. Edger heads towards the ring apron now and flips it upward as he starts examining the contents of the squared circle’s basement. As he’s looking, suddenly he’s grabbed by the back of his tights and pulled backward as the ring apron falls down. Edge pulls away and turns around to see who did it, as Shark Boy starts peppering him with punches, backing the, “Rated R Superstar” towards the ring post. Sharky takes a harder swing now but Edge ducks, causing Shark Boy to punch the ring post. Edge tackles the UWF Champion to the ground as he’s shaking the pain from his hand the best he can and then climbs into the mount as he starts raining down on the clam juice swilling bass kicker with punches.
After a few connect and the number one contender is satisfied with how many he’s thrown and how many have landed, he stands up, walking around to the ring apron and flipping it up again only to turn suddenly and dive on Shark Boy, laying in a few more punches before he slams his opponent down, dribbling his head against the floor a few times before just slamming his head down forcefully. Edge now returns to looking underneath the ring and grabs something that catches his eye, the crowd and cameras not seeing what it is until Edge emerges from underneath the ring and shows off that he’s now brandishing a pair of brass knuckles. Shark Boy sits up, unaware of this, as Edge charges him and blasts him in the back of the head with a brass knuckle punch. Sharky is knocked forward, his forehead touching the floor, as Edge runs forward and leaps up, flexing his arm so that when he lands, the point of his elbow goes directly down into the back of Shark Boy’s neck. The crowd gasps as Edge now, surprisingly mercifully, helps the folded up champion and lays him out flat, just to dive into the mount again and start hammering him with brass knuckle punches, opening Shark Boy up pretty much from the first blow.
Tom Phillips: Oh my!
Mauro Ranallo: There’s blood in the water but unfortunately for the defending champion, it’s his blood!
Corey Graves: You two are forgetting that they call Edge the, “Ultimate Opportunist” for a reason. He found an opportunity and he’s seizing it in spades!
Edge stands up and looks over at Grado who’s clutching the towel he’s holding, biting his lip as he’s visibly struggling with whether or not to throw it in. Edge laughs at him as he slides the brass knuckles off and throws them to the ground before returning to underneath the ring. Edge grabs something else now but again, the fans and cameras don’t see what it is until he emerges from underneath the ring and holds it up high. The weapon he’s brandishing now is a good old fashioned kendo stick as he runs over to his downed opponent and swings it south at him, cracking Shark Boy across the back as he’s on his hands and knees trying to return to his feet, the kendo stick shot causing him to fall flat. Continuing the punishment, Edge steps over Sharky so that he’s got a leg on each side of him as he uses the kendo stick to start choking out the UWF Champion!
Shark Boy starts fading and as he does, Grado looks more and more conflicted. The former Hardcore Champion looks like he’s about to throw it as the fans chant, “No! No! No!”. Grado looks at Shark Boy trying to force the kendo stick away from his throat. Upon seeing this, Grado drops his arm and refuses to throw in the towel as the crowd pops loudly. Edge can’t believe it as he removes the kendo stick and stops the choking as he starts badmouthing Grado and his decision. While this is happening, Shark Boy is coughing and holding his throat as he then eyes the brass knuckles Edge threw down earlier. Edge continues to berate Grado but then he gets spun around and blasted in the forehead with a brass knuckle punch! The, “Rated R Superstar” falls into a seated position, blood running from a horizontal cut on his forehead as there’s a far off dazed look in his eyes as Shark Boy grabs the kendo stick and starts cracking it repeatedly over the top of Edge’s head until it breaks. Edge falls flat on his back, now bleeding from the top of his head as well, as Shark Boy removes his mask.
Tom Phillips: Uh oh.
Mauro Ranallo: Mamma Mia, this isn’t good!
Corey Graves: Shit.
The arena has fallen silent, uncomfortably so as the unmasked Shark Boy gradually looks around, the sight of the open wound created from the earlier brass knuckles assault on display, blood running down the face of the UWF Champion, a detail that only accentuates the terrifying sight of the demon they first saw at Bad Blood and that accentuated sight making things in the arena more tense and scary. The only person moving a muscle and not frozen petrified is none other than Shark Boy’s friend Grado who clutches the towel and looks down at it trembling in his hand. He knows what’s coming and what his pal, whether he’s possessed or snapped or just changed, is capable of and what that means for Edge. Speaking of the former Brood member, he sits up now and, feeling eyes on him, gradually looks up and now locks eyes with his opponent. He, too, knows what could be about to go down, the two men had discussed it and now, Edge wasn’t so sure of himself, it’s written on his face like he was Sheamus. Edge gradually gets to his feet, his gaze never leaving the entity before him. Grado is still trembling, struggling with his decision, then raises his shaking arm and throws the towel. A collective gasp is heard from the crowd, breaking through the torturous quiet, as the demon lunges forward towards the traveling fabric but it’s Edge that snatches it out of the air, pivoting and throwing it back to Grado. Grado questions it but only for a few seconds as Edge gives him a look and it’s understood why he did what he did. For the good of the UWF and it’s championship, the good of the fans and his friends and family, the good of himself and yes, even the good of Shark Boy, Edge was going to fight this being.
The creature stopped mid-lunge when Edge grabbed the towel and had since been watching him, a grin creeping across its face so sinister you can collectively hear thousands of hearts dropping into the pits of stomachs, but not for Edge. Instead he returns the expression with a smile of his own as the two begin to circle one another.
Tom Phillips: I don’t know if this is courageous on Edge’s part or suicide.
Mauro Ranallo: I don’t know either, Tom. There’s so much about this, well, thing he’s facing down right now. We don’t even know if that’s still Shark Boy.
Corey Graves: I knew a lot was going to happen tonight but this is one thing I was hoping and praying we wouldn’t see!
Edge breaks from the circling and kicks his opponent in the stomach, staying on him when he hunches over and raining down on his upper back with windmill like punches thrown with alternating arms. SB breaks away from the assault suddenly and stands straight up, lunging forward and biting Edge on the bridge of his nose and latching on. Desperate to get free, the father of two throws an underhanded left to the stomach, knocking enough wind out of his opponent for him to push him away. SB comes back toward him quickly as Edge gets his leg up and blasts him with a Big Boot that sends him staggering back as SB rocks back in an uncomfortable looking way then straightens back up and again resumes pursuit. Copeland rocks forward and connects with a forearm shot that would startle a dentist from slumber, again sending SB staggering before he shakes it off and keeps coming back for more. It’s like watching a Resident Evil encounter with what’s unfolding as Edge empties the clip of offense but Shark Boy, like a zombie or a B.O.W., keeps coming despite it all. Edge goes for another forearm shot but SB smacks his arm away and delivers a Headbutt before following up with a Codebreaker. The demon slithers back to a vertical base, briefly surveying his work before heading over to ringside and grabbing a steel chair before returning to where Edge is. Edge is pushing himself up with his hands and is also on his knees, trying to shake the cobwebs out. SB pushes him onto his back with his foot as this is going on and raises the chair up high before swinging it downward but hitting nothing but floor as Edge rolls out of the way and up to a crouched position as he charges forward and blasts SB with everything he can put into a Spear.
As the mist spraying monster is actually down, Edge gets up and goes and gets the UWF Championship, placing it underneath SB’s head before grabbing the steel chair and raising it high. ”Conchairto, mother chummer! he says before swinging it as hard as he can, silence falling over the arena again as Edge casts the weapon aside. Edge looks over at Grado now and the two nod at each other but as Grado goes to throw the towel in, suddenly Edge is smashed on top of the head with the steel chair as he’s knocked to his knees, SB unloading with another shot and another shot as Edge is grabbing the ringside barricade and trying to stand up. SB tosses the chair down as Edge is up on spaghetti legs, blood running down his face. Edge is able to lock eyes with his daughters and his wife for a moment, but then finds himself spun around and whipped into the ring as SB follows after, applying the Peruvian Necktie to the horror of all supporting Edge fans and family alike.
The Copeland girls bury their crying faces in their mother for comfort as Beth is crying as well, rendering all three unable to throw in the towel for their beloved family member. Grado has since turned his back on watching the match. Christian knows what he must do as he throws the towel in and it falls to the mat where Edge, SB, and the official can see it as the ring bell sounds again.
DING DING!
Tony Chimel: Here is your winner and STILL the UWF Champion, Shark Boy!
Christian joins the crying Copeland family with an embrace as, in the ring, SB has released the hold, the referee handing him his belt. Grado is seen giving a heavy sigh as he turns around to look at his friend, a smile forming as he begins to applaud. He might not like what happened or how it happened but he supports his friend no matter what. As a bloodied Edge is tended to and SB exits the ring and starts heading up the ramp, Slammiversary fades to black.
END OF SHOW
Credits
Rhodes vs Buzzard - Leedles
Zayn vs Kingston vs Ciampa- Sam
Lee vs Knight vs Austin - Gunn
Homicide vs Danhausen - Fauche
O'Reilly vs Batista - Danny
Shark Boy vs Edge - Dresden